“I’ve tried food stamps, and I understand all the complaints about the number of Americans receiving them, they taste awful,” states President Obama. “That’s why we’re moving the country’s best scientists to a secure location to work on a way to make food stamps taste better…and hopefully not stick to the roof of your mouth.”
Category: Politics
Elected officials, the things they say, and the things they wish they had not.
Palin promises big announcement at Tennessee Valley Fair, bringing Color Me Badd
As announced earlier, Sarah Palin plans to take the stage at the Tennessee Valley Fair on September 16. Her visit has been met with a bit of controversy because it forces the cancellation of a planned concert by Boyz II Men. Today, we received notice that a big announcement can be expected that night, and…
University of Tennessee researchers launch study to find out “WTF is wrong with nearly 40% of population?”
The latest Gallup tracking poll has shown President Obama’s ratings to be just under 40% approval. These numbers, although depressing to the President, has some researchers asking, “Just WTF is wrong with 40% of the population?” One group of researchers at UT is taking up this question, and hopes to find out just what folks…
Palin announces visit to Tennessee Valley Fair, replaces Boyz II Men
With a better-than-expected reception at the Iowa State Fair, Sarah Palin has announced plans to visit fairs across the United States as the summer winds down. Palin denied speculation that the state fair tour was a precursor to a Presidential campaign, “That’s ridiculous,” Palin said. “I just like it when all the farm animals lick…
“Rent Is Too Damn High” guy wins Knoxville mayoral debate
After relocating to Knoxville from New York, reportedly due to the rent being too damn high, former New York gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan decided late Thursday to run for mayor of Knoxville. “I heard about the debate, and decided I’d throw in my voice,” he explained. “There are lots of things in Knoxville that are…
Knoxville man shows up in DC to find, paint debt ceiling
Knoxville home interior painter Buddy McFee arrived in Washington, DC on Friday, fully intending to find and paint the debt ceiling. He traveled by Megabus carrying only a few paint rollers and a couple cans of white paint. “I kep’ hearin’ about this debt ceiling thang,” he explained. “So since nobody can make up their…
TN Rep. Julia Hurley balances budget, stuns onlookers
Just moments after learning of the difficulties in Washington, TN Rep. Julia Hurley solved the problem of balancing the budget. “That wasn’t so hard!” exclaimed Rep. Hurley, “What the hell has all the fuss been about?” Although she couldn’t do it a second time, an intern was able to duplicate the process for a photo.Â
Haslam seeks waiver to ‘No Child Left Behind,’ promotes manual labor
Governor Haslam explains why he is seeking a waiver to the ‘No Child Left Behind’ program. “It’s not that our state CANNOT educate students as well as other states. It’s that we don’t want to. Our growth plan for the state works best if we don’t. Our best plan for growth is to capture the…
Knoxville City Council members may have sent lewd photos, nobody cares
In the shadow of negative attention drawn to Rep. Anthony Weiner due to sharing suggestive photos with several individuals, it appears that several Knoxville City Council members may have sent similar messages. After polling those in contact with City Council members, however, we have learned that nobody would have looked at the images anyway, making…
Previous Mayoral and Senatorial candidate considers dropping life of sending electronic newsletters to become UT Athletics Director
In yet another surprise career move, a previous local Mayoral…then Senatorial candidate…then electronic newsletter guru, has decided to shift career directions yet again, announcing that she’d like to serve as the University of Tennessee Athletics Director. “I moved from the Mayoral to the Senatorial race because of my goal of focusing on education,” she said….
Conservatives seek alternative to Obama school speech
In the midst of the uproar over Obama’s alleged “indoctrination” speech next week aimed at school children, conservative parents have been mulling over ideas for an alternative activity for their children to participate in. Ideas being tossed around include showing Sarah Palin’s speech from the Republican National Convention and having the children read and discuss…
Executive order will alter Pledge of Allegiance
Keeping with his school children theme, Obama is expected to sign an executive order changing some of the lines in the Pledge or Allegiance. This is designed to coincide with his video message to students and will be among the items handed out. Various celebrities will be recorded reciting the new pledge in an effort…
Spirit of Ted Kennedy to make speech
The spirit of late Senator Ted Kennedy is set to make a speech in front of a joint legislative meeting when congress returns from recess. The speech is rumored to include how it was his dying wish to see healthcare reform passed by the end of the year. No one is certain what happens next…
Eighties bands come out of woodwork to protest new nuclear reactors
When TVA recently announced they were planning to place the first new mPower reactors at the Clinch River site near Oak Ridge, they never expected protesters to organize so quickly. Within three hours of the announcements, groups of old guys with big hair and black leather assembled near the proposed location, holding “No Nukes” signs…
Early voting snafu in Knox County, “I thought he was that guy from Good Times,†says confused voters
It appears that race for the next Sheriff of Knox County may be getting a little confusing for voters. Complaints have been coming in since Jimmie Walker, better known as J.J. Evans was seen over the weekend on a repeat of the Chelsea Handler show. “Until I saw the show, I thought I was voting…