Newly appointed General “Wild Bill” Hodge has announced that Action Sports Media has officially purchased the Big Orange Army. “It’s the perfect time for Action Sports Media to enter the fruit wars, now that we have all the spare time from losing the University of Tennessee marketing account” says Hodge, “and we’ll be able catch…

A prominent Knoxville man was stopped outside Preservation Pub on Market Square yesterday after multiple complaints that he had run over several peoples’ toes with his Segway. The officer on duty says the offending gentleman was very polite, and seemed to really enjoy seeing women take their shoes off to check for damaged toes while…

Top federal, state and local officials were on hand recently for the ribbon cutting of a new $18 million home designed to serve vets in East Tennessee. Although most agree that the facility is needed, arguments have arisen about where the funding should have come from. The federal government has provided about 65 percent of…

The Women’s Basketball Hall of Fame unceremoniously hit a milestone yesterday when an unexpected rush of a single visitor appeared. “Projections had indicated that the 50th visitor would appear sometime near Christmas this year, so we were caught completely off-guard.” stated Robin Hamilton, museum spokesperson. “If this trend holds, we could see a need for…

In an unprecedented move of desperation, Harold Ford, Jr. is taking his message to the people. This time, by interrupting the Bar Mitzvah of a 12-year-old boy in Knoxville. During the service, after complete participation and reading from the Torah, Ford gave a moving account of how growing up in a non-Jewish political family brought…

The world is watching the Tennessee 2006 elections closely; it’s no secret that a lot is riding on the outcome. But will the voters come out? One sign that change is in the air came when an African American was spotted at one polling place in Downtown Knoxville, with voters citing confusion and excitement regarding…

TENNESSEE (KP) Recently an email from John Werner surfaced that indicated a boycott of restaurants owned by Mike Chase, including Calhoun’s, Copper Cellar, Cappuccino’s, Chesapeake’s, Cumberland Grill, Cherokee Grill and the Smoky Mountain Brewery. Sources have told Knoxpatch that several other disturbing emails from Werner have been collected and will be made available to the…

TENNESSEE (KP) – (Warning, this article is true – and very f@cking annoying). The City of Knoxville has varied codes and ordinances that are to be followed. If these codes and ordinances aren’t followed, people are paid to enforce them. However, rather than enforce…at least one City employee prefers to look for ways to selectively…

Tom Cronan passed away today after a battle with pancreatic cancer. If you never met Tom, I’m very sorry. If you did, he most likely somehow changed your life. Tom, I didn’t get a chance to see you over the last few weeks…but I thought about you each day. Godspeed, my friend.

The Great Smokies Craft Fair expanded offerings this year to include some of the finest work from more than 200 artists and craftspeople of the Appalachian region. New additions this year included over 500 pounds of used needles and syringes, as well as some of the regions finest meth lab equipment. Most of the meth…

Officials at McGhee Tyson Airport have found that most terrorist threats are coming from people and have changed security screening at airports across the country to prevent them from gaining entry onto a plane. A spokesperson for McGhee Tyson Airport stated, “No people of any kind will be permitted on planes, some of them actually…

TENNESSEE (KP) – Following his arrest on a public drunkenness charge after a Knoxville Republican rally, Mark Albertini all but disappeared from the public eye. Now, things seem to have gotten even worse, as Albertini was spotted at an illegal coon pole-dancing club in Soddy-Daisy, Tennessee. A rampant problem in Soddy-Daisy, Albertini was caught in…

TENNESSEE (KP) – Just as the FDA is considering over-the-counter availability of Plan B, often known as the ‘Morning After’ pill, University of Tennessee researchers have developed and are seeking approval for a controversial new Morning Before pill. Full details have not been given to the press, but the Morning Before pill works by having…

KNOXVILLE (KP) – Knox County officials have announced new initiatives to attract a portion of nation’s 78 million baby boomers soon to reach retirement age. Plans include housing developments patterned from the set of Golden Girls, a Diagnosis Murder television network, and the construction of 14 new Great American Steak and Buffet restaurants. Wal-Mart has…

TENNESSEE (KP) – Two North Knoxville children are in protective custody after authorities found 422 tribbles living in their home. Police said the children – an 8-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl – were found completely buried in the fluffy little tribbles. The tribbles were living mainly inside the children’s room and the kitchen pantry….