A recent survey conducted by well-meaning citizens, hoping to provide a small amount of guidance to media outlets, has provided some insight into items the general public simply doesn’t care about. Among the items least interesting to Knoxvillians: Anything on the Heartland Series The status of Ellen Turner’s home (they’re glad it’s renovated, but apparently…
Art displays through Knoxville exposed as laziness by Waste Connections of Tennessee
Many of you may have noticed various pieces of metal on the streets of downtown Knoxville over the past months. Many residents, starved for big-city living have embraced these items as ‘art,’ even drawing attention to them. Waste Connections of Tennessee has admitted today that these are nothing more than piles of garbage that the…
Pellissippi State replaces popular balloon festival with CowChip Bingo
Pellissippi State Community College has announced that they’re canceling the annual balloon festival. According to President Allen Edwards, it was simply too successful, leading to traffic jams and large masses of people. “In order to cut back on the popularity of the event, we’re replacing it with CowChip Bingo,” says Edwards. “We’re hoping that a…
Bonnaroo 2012 in danger as moonbats learn about MP3’s and CDs
As the 80,000+ Bonnaroo attendees wandered about in the heat and stench of one-another, awaiting music, one of the bands made an announcement that has already caused quite a ruckus. “This is off our last CD,” stated the lead member of Vermicular Doggie. And the mud pit went silent, as knowledge crept through the crowd. Within…
Market Square Farmer’s Market to start selling German sprouts
Calling them “the Fugu of the vegetable world,” Market Square Farmer’s Market vendor Steve Egwhyte plans to start selling imported German sprouts this weekend. “Vegetarians like to live dangerously too,” Egwhyte explained, “sushi eaters shouldn’t be the only ones facing a culinary challenge like this.” He puts the odds of death from eating the sprouts…
Knoxville City Council members may have sent lewd photos, nobody cares
In the shadow of negative attention drawn to Rep. Anthony Weiner due to sharing suggestive photos with several individuals, it appears that several Knoxville City Council members may have sent similar messages. After polling those in contact with City Council members, however, we have learned that nobody would have looked at the images anyway, making…
Previous Mayoral and Senatorial candidate considers dropping life of sending electronic newsletters to become UT Athletics Director
In yet another surprise career move, a previous local Mayoral…then Senatorial candidate…then electronic newsletter guru, has decided to shift career directions yet again, announcing that she’d like to serve as the University of Tennessee Athletics Director. “I moved from the Mayoral to the Senatorial race because of my goal of focusing on education,” she said….
Previous Mayoral candidate considers dropping Senate run to focus on sending electronic newsletters
Unsure of what she really wants to do, sources say that a recent Mayoral candidate that has been making a run for an open Senate seat may have found her calling in life. According to those close to her, sending electronic newsletters has become her passion. “She likes that you can send them every day,…
Madonna to convert to Southern Baptist
After her recent trip to Israel, Madonna has decided that Kabbalah and Judaism are just not for her. “I’ve tried being a Catholic, a Jew, a Hindu, Taoist, Maoist, and Buddhist. Nothing makes me feel complete, even with all this money,” she explained. “Now that I am dating Jesus, it only makes sense for me…
Conservatives seek alternative to Obama school speech
In the midst of the uproar over Obama’s alleged “indoctrination” speech next week aimed at school children, conservative parents have been mulling over ideas for an alternative activity for their children to participate in. Ideas being tossed around include showing Sarah Palin’s speech from the Republican National Convention and having the children read and discuss…
Obama team courts Mike Tyson as new spokesperson
After a healthcare activist bit off the finger of a counter-demonstrator, it didn’t take Obama’s advisors long to realize they were onto something big. “Clearly, those that would be in favor of the healthcare reform as currently outlined would have a unique perspective and thought process. In order to best reach these people, we need…
Executive order will alter Pledge of Allegiance
Keeping with his school children theme, Obama is expected to sign an executive order changing some of the lines in the Pledge or Allegiance. This is designed to coincide with his video message to students and will be among the items handed out. Various celebrities will be recorded reciting the new pledge in an effort…
Spirit of Ted Kennedy to make speech
The spirit of late Senator Ted Kennedy is set to make a speech in front of a joint legislative meeting when congress returns from recess. The speech is rumored to include how it was his dying wish to see healthcare reform passed by the end of the year. No one is certain what happens next…
Ghost of Smith/Coughlin House Terrorizing Club Members
Since the destruction of the historic Smith/Coughlin House in December of 2004, things have been pretty quiet around the Cherokee Country Club. Mostly. Sketchy reports have been coming in, increasing in frequency as we approach the 5th anniversary of the historical obliteration, that ectoplasmic activities have been intensifying in the area surrounding the country club….
UT makes major change in graduation process
Following the announcement regarding changes to the athletics tickets program, UT has announced a major change in the academic process and how graduations will be processed. Under the new system, students and family members will need to give money to a new fund overseen by the athletic department in order to receive a diploma. UT…