Headlines about the woes in Greece have moved a group of concerned Knoxvillians to come together with the goal of extracting Olivia Newton-John safely from the country. According to the loosely organized group, “Our lives wouldn’t be the same without Sandy and Danny, we’ve loved Greece as long as we can remember. The fact that…
Ijams Au Naturale Center opens (lazy Monday posting, originally from April 20, 2003)
Ijams Au Naturale Center opens. After years of struggling financially, Ijams Nature Center has decided that it could never reach financial stability and has taken dramatic steps to protect its assets for future generations. The new plan outlined by Ijams directors has been hyped as a way to turn a profit, bring tourist dollars to…
Tiffany performance at PrideFest cut short by Ginormous Opossum
Tiffany, best known for starring in a pair of movies on the Syfy Channel  and singing a few 80s songs, was here yesterday as part of Knoxville’s PrideFest on Market Square. Her performance, however, was cut short due to an attack by Ginormous Opossum. Luckily, the attack didn’t last long. A nearby car backfired as…
Governor Cuomo exclaims, “I thought it meant happy people!”
Just hours after signing the controversial Marriage Equality Act into law, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was overheard telling confidants, “I thought it meant happy people!” According to a statement from Cuomo, he was simply hoping to allow happy, or ‘gay’ people marry. “All the married people I know are simply miserable, I just assumed…
Knoxville home undamaged by storms of 2011, devil blamed
A single home has been found that avoided damage during the storms that have deluged Knoxville in 2011. The house, located near the Historic 4th & Gill neighborhood, has struck fear in the hearts of nearby residents. “It’s the work of the devil,” explains Mayor Brown. “The gutters, roof, siding, they’re all perfect. It’s just…
Alexander Inn to accept reactor fuel from Y-12
As a last-ditch effort to save the Alexander Inn, members of the Oak Ridge Revitalization Effort (ORRE) have made arrangements to accept and process never-used reactor fuel from Y-12 nuclear weapons plant. The materials, previously slated for disposal in Nevada, will be shipped directly to the Alexander Inn at substantial savings. A spokesman for ORRE has…
Knox County School Board seeks new definition of term ‘physical’
On the heels of some schools adding fly fishing to physical education programs, the Knox County School Board is hoping to take the movement a step forward by adjusting the definition of ‘physical.’ “The term is simply daunting,” states a representative of the Knox County School Board. “We can’t motive kids towards something that means…
Religious flash mobs growing in popularity
Knoxville is leading a trend in the bible-belt of church-related ‘flash mobs.’ The latest, causing quite a stir at World’s Fair Park, involved a gathering of more than 100 people that spontaneously baptized picnickers and other visitors relaxing near the waterfall and damn. The event, called a ‘flashtism’ has generated debate as to its effectiveness….
Knoxville Growth Plan calls for recruitment of Superhero
A new City of Knoxville growth plan has been released, stressing a call for a local Superhero. According to the plan, the the major differences between Gotham, Metropolis and Knoxville is the lack of a crusader. On paper, Knoxville has most of the amenities needed by a typical superhero. A corrupt police department, increased crime,…
Oak Ridge narrowly dodges Target
Another Target is being built in the region, but thanks to the forward-thinking officials in Oak Ridge, they’ve managed to dodge that bullet yet again. According to Tom Beehan, Mayor of Oak Ridge, “If Oak Ridgers wanted a Target, they’d clearly live in Knoxville or Minnesota. Plus we don’t want to compete with our thriving…
‘Luckiest Man Alive’ walks through Krutch Park without being solicited
Although unconfirmed, rumors have spread that a visiting businessman walked all the way through Krutch Park today without anyone begging him for money or to use his mobile phone. The unnamed gentleman, simply referred to by onlookers as ‘the luckiest man alive,’ reportedly passed through the park around noon today, and just kept going.
Wannabe counselors disappointed by Camp Cougar curriculum
After hearing a news story about Camp Cougar, a program at Northview Middle School in Kodak, a group of Knoxville women quickly enrolled as volunteer counselors. “We should’ve paid more attention to the news story,” explains Samantha Joy. “But it was hard to hear all the details in the bar.” Apparently, Samantha and a few of…
Survey shows what Knoxvillians truly care the least about
A recent survey conducted by well-meaning citizens, hoping to provide a small amount of guidance to media outlets, has provided some insight into items the general public simply doesn’t care about. Among the items least interesting to Knoxvillians: Anything on the Heartland Series The status of Ellen Turner’s home (they’re glad it’s renovated, but apparently…
Art displays through Knoxville exposed as laziness by Waste Connections of Tennessee
Many of you may have noticed various pieces of metal on the streets of downtown Knoxville over the past months. Many residents, starved for big-city living have embraced these items as ‘art,’ even drawing attention to them. Waste Connections of Tennessee has admitted today that these are nothing more than piles of garbage that the…
Pellissippi State replaces popular balloon festival with CowChip Bingo
Pellissippi State Community College has announced that they’re canceling the annual balloon festival. According to President Allen Edwards, it was simply too successful, leading to traffic jams and large masses of people. “In order to cut back on the popularity of the event, we’re replacing it with CowChip Bingo,” says Edwards. “We’re hoping that a…