“I don’t understand it,” says Marcus Williamson. “Just two weeks ago, if you asked anyone about Michael Jackson they’d tell you he was crazy. At best, they’d giggle and recall the joke about the similarities in Jacko and K-Mart…boy’s pants, half off.” “Now, he’s a freaking saint. Sure, he made a couple good songs. But…
New program designed to train young girls to enjoy WIC and Food Stamps
A new program, “College-Bound Sisters,” has been unveiled in North Carolina to pay young girls not to get pregnant. The payment, $1/day. The program was developed at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro by Hazel Brown, a maternity nurse who thought too many teens were having babies. Brown said she hopes the program, which…
Eighties bands come out of woodwork to protest new nuclear reactors
When TVA recently announced they were planning to place the first new mPower reactors at the Clinch River site near Oak Ridge, they never expected protesters to organize so quickly. Within three hours of the announcements, groups of old guys with big hair and black leather assembled near the proposed location, holding “No Nukes” signs…
AOL leaves Time Warner, proposes merger with Remedy Coffee
On the heels of announcing a spin off from Time Warner, AOL has released spotty details regarding a proposed merger with Remedy Coffee, located in Downtown Knoxville. The deal, seen similar to the agreement AT&T has with Starbucks, would provide online access for AOL users while visiting the new (and, as an editiorial note…simply fantastic)…
Nobody on-hand to script a response, Kiffin mumbles
Well, it looks like the media-generating mouth of Kiffin is much quieter if he doesn’t have a scripted response written by someone else (like, say his Twitter feed, that is still handled inappropriately). When confronted by Spurrier today, Kiffin “…clearly embarrassed, mumbled something inaudible.” You go boy!
Local introverts announce formation of Knoxville Anti-Social Media Association
According to Brehd, “Despite everyone’s incessant urge to be social, we’ve decided not to hold meetings on the first and third Thursday of each month at Prince Deli. If nobody shows up for these, we may not hold morning meetings at Starbucks as well.”
After stimulation, on trail of car
Just over a month ago, a photo op was staged of President Obama entering a Northern Virginia Chrysler dealership and buying a new PT Cruiser. This was supposed to display his faith in both Chrysler as a company and the economy in general. In a speech, he stated he was doing his part to stimulate…
Arlen Specter shakes it up even further
Not satisfied with simply switching from a useless Republican to a useless Democrat, Senator Arlen Specter has decided to dramatically change other aspects of his life. Few know that on the same day as his announcement, Specter took delivery of a European car, fresh from a used car lot in England. At a scarcely-attended news…
Ragsdale pitches pork bellies as new global currency
Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale on Tuesday morning proposed replacing the US dollar as the international reserve currency with something available around most of the globe, pork bellies. In an essay posted on the Knox County Government web site, Ragsdale said the goal would be to create a reserve currency “that is disconnected from individual…
Phillip Fulmer declines position with University of Tennessee
Fulmer announced today that he will not be accepting an offer from the University of Tennessee to take a 90-day appointment as a special assistant to President John Petersen. According to an undisclosed source, the decision was based on a simple mix-up regarding salary. “It appears that he misunderstood the salary offer, thinking the 12.5/month…
FDIC to back IOU’s
In response to the continued economic uncertainty and bleak outlook of consumers, the FDIC’s Board of Directors has voluntarily offered to approved IOU’s written “in good faith while sober, as long as they are not offered in exchange of sexual favors.” According to the General Counsel’s opinion, this should allow those without cash or credit…
David Keith spotted at Cedar Bluff exit acting for spare change
Shortly after David Keith announced that he is suing people because he no longer has a career, he was spotted at the Cedar Bluff exit offering to act for spare change. Although this will likely pay better than his current career, it could prove to be a very humbling experience as few people have actually…
UT Football satire
I tried to come up with something to make fun of UT Football, but Fulmer beat me to it with the Homecoming game.
Knoxville News Sentinel exits content business, moves focus to pretty online ads
The Knoxville News Sentinel has announced that they are no longer in the business of providing content, and have let go of 13 members of the news staff. As more readers move from the printed paper to the online edition, this is described as a natural transition. According to the Sentinel, original content from reporters…
America votes for change
America overwhelmingly voted for change today, electing one Barack Obama as President of the United States. Obama ran on a campaign pledge of “change,” although it was never clear exactly what change was promised. Tonight, Obama’s campaign revealed that each and every American will receive three quarters, a dime, two nickels, and six pennies. The…