As the 80,000+ Bonnaroo attendees wandered about in the heat and stench of one-another, awaiting music, one of the bands made an announcement that has already caused quite a ruckus. “This is off our last CD,” stated the lead member of Vermicular Doggie. And the mud pit went silent, as knowledge crept through the crowd. Within…
Market Square Farmer’s Market to start selling German sprouts
Calling them “the Fugu of the vegetable world,” Market Square Farmer’s Market vendor Steve Egwhyte plans to start selling imported German sprouts this weekend. “Vegetarians like to live dangerously too,” Egwhyte explained, “sushi eaters shouldn’t be the only ones facing a culinary challenge like this.” He puts the odds of death from eating the sprouts…
Knoxville City Council members may have sent lewd photos, nobody cares
In the shadow of negative attention drawn to Rep. Anthony Weiner due to sharing suggestive photos with several individuals, it appears that several Knoxville City Council members may have sent similar messages. After polling those in contact with City Council members, however, we have learned that nobody would have looked at the images anyway, making…
Previous Mayoral and Senatorial candidate considers dropping life of sending electronic newsletters to become UT Athletics Director
In yet another surprise career move, a previous local Mayoral…then Senatorial candidate…then electronic newsletter guru, has decided to shift career directions yet again, announcing that she’d like to serve as the University of Tennessee Athletics Director. “I moved from the Mayoral to the Senatorial race because of my goal of focusing on education,” she said….
Previous Mayoral candidate considers dropping Senate run to focus on sending electronic newsletters
Unsure of what she really wants to do, sources say that a recent Mayoral candidate that has been making a run for an open Senate seat may have found her calling in life. According to those close to her, sending electronic newsletters has become her passion. “She likes that you can send them every day,…
Madonna to convert to Southern Baptist
After her recent trip to Israel, Madonna has decided that Kabbalah and Judaism are just not for her. “I’ve tried being a Catholic, a Jew, a Hindu, Taoist, Maoist, and Buddhist. Nothing makes me feel complete, even with all this money,” she explained. “Now that I am dating Jesus, it only makes sense for me…
Conservatives seek alternative to Obama school speech
In the midst of the uproar over Obama’s alleged “indoctrination” speech next week aimed at school children, conservative parents have been mulling over ideas for an alternative activity for their children to participate in. Ideas being tossed around include showing Sarah Palin’s speech from the Republican National Convention and having the children read and discuss…
Obama team courts Mike Tyson as new spokesperson
After a healthcare activist bit off the finger of a counter-demonstrator, it didn’t take Obama’s advisors long to realize they were onto something big. “Clearly, those that would be in favor of the healthcare reform as currently outlined would have a unique perspective and thought process. In order to best reach these people, we need…
Executive order will alter Pledge of Allegiance
Keeping with his school children theme, Obama is expected to sign an executive order changing some of the lines in the Pledge or Allegiance. This is designed to coincide with his video message to students and will be among the items handed out. Various celebrities will be recorded reciting the new pledge in an effort…
Spirit of Ted Kennedy to make speech
The spirit of late Senator Ted Kennedy is set to make a speech in front of a joint legislative meeting when congress returns from recess. The speech is rumored to include how it was his dying wish to see healthcare reform passed by the end of the year. No one is certain what happens next…
Ghost of Smith/Coughlin House Terrorizing Club Members
Since the destruction of the historic Smith/Coughlin House in December of 2004, things have been pretty quiet around the Cherokee Country Club. Mostly. Sketchy reports have been coming in, increasing in frequency as we approach the 5th anniversary of the historical obliteration, that ectoplasmic activities have been intensifying in the area surrounding the country club….
UT makes major change in graduation process
Following the announcement regarding changes to the athletics tickets program, UT has announced a major change in the academic process and how graduations will be processed. Under the new system, students and family members will need to give money to a new fund overseen by the athletic department in order to receive a diploma. UT…
One brave man steps forward and remembers Michael Jackson as the freak he was
“I don’t understand it,” says Marcus Williamson. “Just two weeks ago, if you asked anyone about Michael Jackson they’d tell you he was crazy. At best, they’d giggle and recall the joke about the similarities in Jacko and K-Mart…boy’s pants, half off.” “Now, he’s a freaking saint. Sure, he made a couple good songs. But…
New program designed to train young girls to enjoy WIC and Food Stamps
A new program, “College-Bound Sisters,” has been unveiled in North Carolina to pay young girls not to get pregnant. The payment, $1/day. The program was developed at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro by Hazel Brown, a maternity nurse who thought too many teens were having babies. Brown said she hopes the program, which…
Eighties bands come out of woodwork to protest new nuclear reactors
When TVA recently announced they were planning to place the first new mPower reactors at the Clinch River site near Oak Ridge, they never expected protesters to organize so quickly. Within three hours of the announcements, groups of old guys with big hair and black leather assembled near the proposed location, holding “No Nukes” signs…