Category: News

Two separate incidents on the same day nearly came to disaster at the construction site of the new bridge being built over the Tennessee River in Loudon County. According to police reports, at approximately 10:00 Thursday morning February 20th, an ETHRA van arrived on the east side of the site with six senior citizens inside….

Due to state budget shortfalls, the Tennessee Department of Transportation, like many other state entities, will be forced to cope with budget cuts for 2003 and beyond. TDOT officials have announced several new cost-cutting initiatives that will begin with the summer of 2003. These initiatives, briefly outlined below, are expected to provide a savings of…

South Knoxville reporters have announced that nothing newsworthy has taken place recently in South Knoxville. Several stories were prepared, but upon comparison to issues reported in North and West Knoxville it was decided that they are simply not newsworthy.

In the wake of disturbing news from NATO, Butterball and Jennie-O have stepped forward where France, Germany, and Belgium would not. Although typically thought of only as competitors, both companies have pledged to work together and “….fight to the death if necessary” to defend turkey. Representatives from both firms expressed deep concern and bewilderment as…

The Pacifist unveils hisnew persona. On the heels of the increasing popularity of Superheroes in movies, Knoxville has scheduled the first ever tryouts for hero/heroine of Knoxville. The decision will be based upon super powers, name recognition, charm, and marketability. The chosen individual is expected to bring several benefits to Knoxville. The Downtown area should…

The Knoxville Police Department is crediting the popularity of The Sopranos for the fact that mob related deaths are on the decline in Knoxville for a third consecutive year. Recent studies conducted by the KPD show that the general public is 40% more aware of signs of mob activity compared to a similar study conducted…

A recent Knoxpatch.com visitor asked us for some advice on where to meet women. It hadn’t occurred to me that folks may wish to use this site as research before visiting our lovely town, I had always thought of the entire site as an inside joke. But, for the sake of this gentleman that visits…

The Tennessee Highway Patrol recently reported that Stacy Taylor has successfully merged her 1983 Toyota Celica into moderate traffic. Although the weather was perfect and traffic flow was lighter than usual; this is clearly considered a major female evolutionary breakthrough. Young Stacy’s life will be greatly disrupted as scientists study her genetic material to find…

The bicycle of Huey Norton, protectedfrom a terrorist attack by duct tape. In response to the threat of a terrorist attack, and driven by the media frenzy to buy duct tape and bottled water, Huey Norton went on a buying spree. In a single day, Norton went to every duct tape supplier in Knoxville and…

Jumbotron, still in its packing, waitsto be installed in a West Knoxville home A West Knoxville man, tired of his friends having a larger television screen than him for the big game or movies, had a Jumbotron installed in his home. The Jumbotron, measuring much larger than even his best friend’s 56″ widescreen high definition…

Enos Johnson and famed fighting chicken. Enos Johnson, known by locals as E.J., is currently under investigation for raising freakishly big chickens for the sole purpose of fighting. Although chicken fighting is illegal in Tennessee, Mr. Johnson has developed a large base of supporters who have realized the ramifications of very large chickens in the…

The new downtown loft concept being tested. Knoxpatch.com has learned that a new loft concept is being developed and tested for use in downtown Knoxville. According to conceptualist Ron Baxter, these new units can be placed around town, on top of existing buildings or even on sidewalks or in Krutch Park, with little or no…

As other medical facilities expand in size to provide more services, the University of Tennessee Medical Center is attempting to bring new cutting edge services while avoiding urban sprawl. In the Spring of 2003 Knoxville will become the first city in the United States to offer hydroponic baby facilities. Babies removed from the female host…

A leaflet envoy, organized by Knoxville area Jehovah’s Witnesses, has left for Iraq as of late yesterday afternoon. The group boarded a plane at McGhee Tyson Airport on their way to Turkey, where they will board a double decker bus and enter Iraq. The bus will take them first to Baghdad, where they will take…

I love to walk around in new houses. I also love to watch houses being built, and walk through the construction site at various stages. Since I no longer install alarms or high-end audio/video systems in people’s homes, most of the houses I get to walk through are ones that I could afford. Sometimes I…