Category: News

The Knox County Health Department has canceled plans for smallpox vaccinations due to the high number of needle insertions required. According to directions provided by the CDC, 15 insertions are required with a two-prong needle allowing for a total of 30 insertions. After an extensive training session it has been discovered that employees of the…

Facing the scorn of the local community, recent newcomer to Knoxville, Stephen Kushner has proposed that Knoxville is nearly flat instead of round as traditionally accepted. Throughout written history it has been generally accepted that Knoxville is round and that the rest of Tennessee rapidly revolves around Knoxville. Soon after moving into his new downtown…

Ernie Roberts, a Fort Sanders resident, has been admitted to Lakeshore Mental Hospital after a particularly harrowing weekend trying to restore the trees in his front yard. In a heroic effort to restore the foliage to its original summer appearance he devoted the extended holiday break to painting the leaves green and returning them to…

Geneticists working for the Weigel’s Farm Stores chain have announced that a substance has been discovered that will grant immunity to the ‘Icee Freeze Headache.’ Weigel’s has long held the belief that Icee headaches are the stumbling block preventing complete dominance in the convenience store market. By delivering the harmless substance into the bloodstream through…

Officer Monty Hallof the Cookeville police department has been awarded the Medal of Valor for his efficiency and professionalism in the line of duty. The Cookeville Police, the state highway patrol and Governor Sundquist have all expressed intense gratitude for Officer Hall’s work over the years. Although he is currently best known for single-handedly freeing…

A man claiming to have traveled from the future, 2088 to be exact, was arrested today in a Food Lion parking lot. Eyewitnesses say that he suddenly appeared out of nowhere, just balled up and naked, lying in the parking lot near a speed bump. The man, claiming to be John Connor, was promptly arrested…

Old City Leprechaun? Reports indicate that Glenn Richters, longtime Knoxville resident, has captured the first live leprechaun in the United States. A longtime believer in leprechauns, Glenn has dedicated much of the past twenty years of his life to capturing one of these elusive creatures. Although DNA tests have yet to prove that the odd…

Bernard Philips likes beef fried rice, more than any other Chinese food. “I eat it every chance I get,” Philips explained, “and that is pretty often.” When asked where he liked to eat his beef fried rice the most, he mentioned The Plum Tree and a little Chinese restaurant on Clinton Highway across from the…

This remarkable image showsthe Loch Norris Skier The mystery of the Loch Norris Skier deepened last weekend when Bernard Patrick allegedly caught him on film and released the photo to authorities. Most people who ski the waters of Loch Norris, or Norris Lake, are aware of the legend that a skier haunts the waters, waiting…

Much is known about the Bell Witch, who was said to haunt the family of John Bell in Robertson County, Tennessee. But very little is known about her monkey, which was also rumored to have tormented the Bell family in 1819. A recent expedition to Adams, Tennessee, sought to determine once and for all whether…

Due to the overwhelming success of the recent auction of a small California town on eBay, city council is considering placing Knoxville up for bid on the online auction venue. Citing similar reasons as the previous owner of Bridgeville, CA, rennovation is just too expensive, according to city spokesperson Norm Levy. “Maybe the next owners…

Governor Sundquist, on the heels of rejecting a proclamation of ‘Vegetarian Month’ has apparently bowed to the pressure of outside interest groups. January has been declared ‘Chik-Fil-A: Eat Mor Chikin’ month. According to Sundquist, “This proclamation promotes a positive message. You can easily tell from the billboards that chicken is a healthy alternative to beef….

I’ve been away from the computer for several days (I apologize for the lack of Knoxpatch musings as of late). As I begin this article it’s been eight days since a simple project began…the installation of Armstrong Swiftlock flooring in my den. This wonderful invention has a 25-year warranty and is supposed to install in…

Tom and Natalie Parker have three kids, two dogs, and a cat named Scruffy. Their house, on Ferd Hickey Road, features two baths, three bedrooms, and a sizable den. They have been married off and on almost 10 years. “When we got married the first time, we had no idea we’d hate each other within…

An embarrassing mix-up forced the closure of Pappy’s Market on Clinton Highway for almost two full business days, amounting to a loss of income of nearly $75 for the store’s owner. It appears that other locally grown tomatoes were somehow mixed with the much sought after Grainger County tomatoes. Several hours passed between the mix-up…