Heads explode as Publix, Costco announced

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Many Knoxville non-natives are going out of their way to let their satisfaction and happiness be heard after grocery store Publix and discount warehouse Costco announced plans to build stores in Knoxville. Excitement is so intense that the heads literally exploded for five out of eight non-native Knoxville residents we interviewed. The sooner both stores were mentioned by name, the sooner heads exploded during the interviews. The other three interviewees are receiving medical treatment for heart palpitations and are unavailable for further comment.

When interviewing locals, reactions varied between “I’ve been to a Publix and wasn’t impressed,” to “Yay! Another overpriced grocery story,” with one local, who actually enjoys Lenny’s sub shop, admitting she would give it a try. Other locals were pissed off that West Knoxville will be getting yet another store that might tempt them to drive that direction.

Officials from both stores indicated they do not comment on deaths resulting from announcements of new locations.