With some of Knox County’s 19 library branches in jeopardy due to the County budget, many feared that they would soon lose access to the free use of romance novels and online pornography. This fear, however, was put to rest today when Mayor Ragsdale announced a plan to fill any potential holes in service at…

The Newman’s Own line of products is branching out during the current economic crisis to provide quality nutritional items for people of all income levels. This is especially good news at a time that many are having to cut back on cigarettes and gasoline in order to keep cupboards stocked with Cheetos. The new line…

An abandoned multi-story home on Old Lowes Ferry Road burned over the weekend. After extinguishing the fire, the Blount County Fire Department was planning on working long hours this weekend to determine the cause of the blaze. However, before inspections could begin, Sharon Stone issued a statement that the original builders in 1802 didn’t behave…

An unidentified male has purchased tickets to see Sex and the City, according to employees at the Regal Cinemas on Gay Street, in Downtown Knoxville. Although his intentions for using the tickets were unclear, the purchase definitely took place. Amanda, the ticket-booth girl, says he walked up sometime around 2 p.m. wearing a trench coat…

A delegation the Republic of Karelia visited Tennessee today to learn about SmartFIX40, which is now famous across the globe. Translators worked with the Karelians to help explain the symbolic relationship between Malfunction Junction and SmartFIX40. Then, City officials drove the Karelian delegation to the heart of the SmartFIX40 project and left them to find…

Dear Knoxville, I keep getting spam emails from the ADAM SMALL STRATEGIC BUSINESS NETWORK, promoting the Knoxville Business Xchange. Today, I got 13 copies. Every time they fire up the spam canons to fill my inbox with crap, I follow the procedures to stop receiving their junk…yet it just continues to pour in. If you…

A Continental airlines pilot who was startled by what he described as a “rocket” yesterday gets to rest easy. Speculation flew as to what happened. Some reports say it was a missile launched by terrorists. A more “down to earth” theory involved model rocketry, as some model rockets are known to reach that height. This…

An Oak Ridge resident managed to ride a personal water craft and drive his motorcycle across the Dragon (TWICE) over the Memorial Day weekend without accident. Others involved in the recreational activities have been inspected and are in good condition as well, with no signs of needing to be rushed to the hospital?

The Environment and Conservation Department, teaming with sweatshops in China, have found a suitable use for the mercury-laden fish swimming in Tennessee rivers. Through a unique partnership, Chinese manufacturers are to begin sending cheaply made thermometers adapted for the insertion of a small fish in place of the standard compound typically used. The new thermometers…

After hearing that Mrs. Clinton claims to be ahead in the national popular vote, Mayor Ragsdale today announced his endorsement of her as President. Encouraging others to step up and help, he quickly made a $1000 campaign contribution using his P-card.

Frustrated with delays and resistance towards new digital billboards, Lamar Advertising Company has issued a press release outlining plans to wrap advertising around the more than 450,000 orange construction barrels throughout Tennessee. Negotiations are also underway to wrap telephone poles as feminine hygiene products.

In recent days, tons of relief supplies have been sent to China after a 7.9 magnitude earthquake killed tens of thousands. Two aircraft were returned to the United States this weekend with supplies still on-board due to the fact that the supplies did not fit Chinese quality-control standards. The water and high-calorie meals appear to…

“Why can’t the damn county employees keep track of their credit card purchases? I mean, how the hell hard is it?” -Mike “Staunch” Staunton, construction worker “I don’t like this Obama guy. And not for the reasons you think. I don’t like McCain either. I think they both suck. I want to vote for ‘Other’…

In other news, butter was just named Knoxville’s favorite food for the 33rd year in a row. Butter originally had competition from lard, but health conscious Knoxvillians promoted butter as a better alternative, and lard has since dropped to Number 14 on the list of favorites. The Top 5 also includes macaroni, pizza, salt, and…