Author: Bjorn Knoxley

The world is watching the Tennessee 2006 elections closely; it’s no secret that a lot is riding on the outcome. But will the voters come out? One sign that change is in the air came when an African American was spotted at one polling place in Downtown Knoxville, with voters citing confusion and excitement regarding…

TENNESSEE (KP) Recently an email from John Werner surfaced that indicated a boycott of restaurants owned by Mike Chase, including Calhoun’s, Copper Cellar, Cappuccino’s, Chesapeake’s, Cumberland Grill, Cherokee Grill and the Smoky Mountain Brewery. Sources have told Knoxpatch that several other disturbing emails from Werner have been collected and will be made available to the…

TENNESSEE (KP) – (Warning, this article is true – and very [email protected] annoying). The City of Knoxville has varied codes and ordinances that are to be followed. If these codes and ordinances aren’t followed, people are paid to enforce them. However, rather than enforce…at least one City employee prefers to look for ways to selectively…

Tom Cronan passed away today after a battle with pancreatic cancer. If you never met Tom, I’m very sorry. If you did, he most likely somehow changed your life. Tom, I didn’t get a chance to see you over the last few weeks…but I thought about you each day. Godspeed, my friend.

The Great Smokies Craft Fair expanded offerings this year to include some of the finest work from more than 200 artists and craftspeople of the Appalachian region. New additions this year included over 500 pounds of used needles and syringes, as well as some of the regions finest meth lab equipment. Most of the meth…

Officials at McGhee Tyson Airport have found that most terrorist threats are coming from people and have changed security screening at airports across the country to prevent them from gaining entry onto a plane. A spokesperson for McGhee Tyson Airport stated, “No people of any kind will be permitted on planes, some of them actually…

TENNESSEE (KP) – Following his arrest on a public drunkenness charge after a Knoxville Republican rally, Mark Albertini all but disappeared from the public eye. Now, things seem to have gotten even worse, as Albertini was spotted at an illegal coon pole-dancing club in Soddy-Daisy, Tennessee. A rampant problem in Soddy-Daisy, Albertini was caught in…

TENNESSEE (KP) – Just as the FDA is considering over-the-counter availability of Plan B, often known as the ‘Morning After’ pill, University of Tennessee researchers have developed and are seeking approval for a controversial new Morning Before pill. Full details have not been given to the press, but the Morning Before pill works by having…

KNOXVILLE (KP) – Knox County officials have announced new initiatives to attract a portion of nation’s 78 million baby boomers soon to reach retirement age. Plans include housing developments patterned from the set of Golden Girls, a Diagnosis Murder television network, and the construction of 14 new Great American Steak and Buffet restaurants. Wal-Mart has…

TENNESSEE (KP) – Two North Knoxville children are in protective custody after authorities found 422 tribbles living in their home. Police said the children – an 8-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl – were found completely buried in the fluffy little tribbles. The tribbles were living mainly inside the children’s room and the kitchen pantry….

TENNESSEE (KP) – An exotic landscaper who decorated her home with skulls and a severed hand has been arrested and charged with improper disposition of human remains, authorities said. Police responding to a report of a suicidal person at the home of the 17-year-old North Knoxville landscaper (name withheld) discovered a large, crudely severed human…

TENNESSEE (KP) – A train derailment in the Powell area has released 100s of Hobos at the intersection of Commerce and Emory Road. Crews are currently working with new bandanas and cigars to lure the Hobos back to an overturned caboose but it is expected to be several days until the Hobos are completely contained….

TENNESSEE (KP) – To best avoid the encroaching societal pressures and technological advancements, regional Amish are moving into the sewers. Knox County Government officials have gone on record supporting the move, stating that it will free up a great deal of land while helping to keep the sewers clean. Calls placed to the Amish to…

TENNESSEE (KP) – The Library of Congress decided today to exercise a little-known power to strike written or audible history from all historical record. In the first use of such power since supposedly destroying the newly discovered Book of GWB from the Bible in 1802, they have decreed unanimously to remove all music created between…

TENNESSEE (KP) – Oodles, owned by embattled entrepreneur Scott West, has failed a recent health inspection due to a massive Smurf infestation. According to Oodles Chef, Bruce Bogartz, it has been impossible to get the Smurfs out of the building. “They are simply drawn to the mushrooms that Scott was growing in the back room….