Due to the overwhelming volume of Letters to the Editor that results from any change to the comics section, and to be much more inclusive, the comics section of the Knoxville News Sentinel will soon feature only strip titles with links to the strips’ official websites. An anonymous source from the paper explained that the…
Author: Bjorn Knoxley
Heads explode as Publix, Costco announced
Many Knoxville non-natives are going out of their way to let their satisfaction and happiness be heard after grocery store Publix and discount warehouse Costco announced plans to build stores in Knoxville. Excitement is so intense that the heads literally exploded for five out of eight non-native Knoxville residents we interviewed. The sooner both stores…
Ijams Au Naturale Center opens (lazy Monday posting, originally from April 20, 2003)
Ijams Au Naturale Center opens. After years of struggling financially, Ijams Nature Center has decided that it could never reach financial stability and has taken dramatic steps to protect its assets for future generations. The new plan outlined by Ijams directors has been hyped as a way to turn a profit, bring tourist dollars to…
Market Square Farmer’s Market to start selling German sprouts
Calling them “the Fugu of the vegetable world,” Market Square Farmer’s Market vendor Steve Egwhyte plans to start selling imported German sprouts this weekend. “Vegetarians like to live dangerously too,” Egwhyte explained, “sushi eaters shouldn’t be the only ones facing a culinary challenge like this.” He puts the odds of death from eating the sprouts…
Madonna to convert to Southern Baptist
After her recent trip to Israel, Madonna has decided that Kabbalah and Judaism are just not for her. “I’ve tried being a Catholic, a Jew, a Hindu, Taoist, Maoist, and Buddhist. Nothing makes me feel complete, even with all this money,” she explained. “Now that I am dating Jesus, it only makes sense for me…
Conservatives seek alternative to Obama school speech
In the midst of the uproar over Obama’s alleged “indoctrination” speech next week aimed at school children, conservative parents have been mulling over ideas for an alternative activity for their children to participate in. Ideas being tossed around include showing Sarah Palin’s speech from the Republican National Convention and having the children read and discuss…
Executive order will alter Pledge of Allegiance
Keeping with his school children theme, Obama is expected to sign an executive order changing some of the lines in the Pledge or Allegiance. This is designed to coincide with his video message to students and will be among the items handed out. Various celebrities will be recorded reciting the new pledge in an effort…
Spirit of Ted Kennedy to make speech
The spirit of late Senator Ted Kennedy is set to make a speech in front of a joint legislative meeting when congress returns from recess. The speech is rumored to include how it was his dying wish to see healthcare reform passed by the end of the year. No one is certain what happens next…
Ghost of Smith/Coughlin House Terrorizing Club Members
Since the destruction of the historic Smith/Coughlin House in December of 2004, things have been pretty quiet around the Cherokee Country Club. Mostly. Sketchy reports have been coming in, increasing in frequency as we approach the 5th anniversary of the historical obliteration, that ectoplasmic activities have been intensifying in the area surrounding the country club….
Eighties bands come out of woodwork to protest new nuclear reactors
When TVA recently announced they were planning to place the first new mPower reactors at the Clinch River site near Oak Ridge, they never expected protesters to organize so quickly. Within three hours of the announcements, groups of old guys with big hair and black leather assembled near the proposed location, holding “No Nukes” signs…
After stimulation, on trail of car
Just over a month ago, a photo op was staged of President Obama entering a Northern Virginia Chrysler dealership and buying a new PT Cruiser. This was supposed to display his faith in both Chrysler as a company and the economy in general. In a speech, he stated he was doing his part to stimulate…
Arlen Specter shakes it up even further
Not satisfied with simply switching from a useless Republican to a useless Democrat, Senator Arlen Specter has decided to dramatically change other aspects of his life. Few know that on the same day as his announcement, Specter took delivery of a European car, fresh from a used car lot in England. At a scarcely-attended news…
America votes for change
America overwhelmingly voted for change today, electing one Barack Obama as President of the United States. Obama ran on a campaign pledge of “change,” although it was never clear exactly what change was promised. Tonight, Obama’s campaign revealed that each and every American will receive three quarters, a dime, two nickels, and six pennies. The…
Poll workers annoyed by fingerprints
Knox County poll workers usually are patient, friendly people. However, due to the large amount of fingerprints on the not-touchscreen voting machines, lately some poll workers are starting to get agitated with all the cleaning they have to do. “I mean, really, can’t they tell by the dial that the big, friendly screen is not…
John McCain to quit campaign
As the daily polls are coming in showing an ever-growing Obama landslide, the campaign of John McCain has gone beyond desperation to make up the difference. Selecting a hot female running mate proved ineffective and bringing up Obama’s Marxist and socialist background has failed to make a dent. After the two Tennessee boys they hired…