Johnny Balls has a backyard that is suffering greatly from the severe drought affecting East Tennessee. He has been hit so hard by a lack of rain that his grass is turning brown. “My grass was doing so well earlier this year, all my neighbors was complimenting me,” explained Balls, “and now look at it!…
Author: Bjorn Knoxley
Supreme Court Wire
In a unanimous decision today, the Supreme Court ruled 9-0 that “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” In another case, the Court refused to hear Belgium’s claim that American horse meat is way better than other horse meat. US horse meat factories will now have to switch to ass meat, which is a bit…
Mystery of rocket encountered by pilot solved
A Continental airlines pilot who was startled by what he described as a “rocket” yesterday gets to rest easy. Speculation flew as to what happened. Some reports say it was a missile launched by terrorists. A more “down to earth” theory involved model rocketry, as some model rockets are known to reach that height. This…
Word on the Street
“Why can’t the damn county employees keep track of their credit card purchases? I mean, how the hell hard is it?” -Mike “Staunch” Staunton, construction worker “I don’t like this Obama guy. And not for the reasons you think. I don’t like McCain either. I think they both suck. I want to vote for ‘Other’…
Butter once again voted Knoxville’s favorite food
In other news, butter was just named Knoxville’s favorite food for the 33rd year in a row. Butter originally had competition from lard, but health conscious Knoxvillians promoted butter as a better alternative, and lard has since dropped to Number 14 on the list of favorites. The Top 5 also includes macaroni, pizza, salt, and…
Fuel prices got you down?
Record high fuel prices have many Knoxvillians on the run–either because they robbed a gas station or because they thought running would be a better alternative commute. For many others, it is a painful time, one where choosing between fuel and unlimited text messaging has become a way of life. Our Knoxpatch staff feels your…
IdleAire and IPIX to team up
Two of Knoxville’s highest profile tech company flops are set to team up to try to bail IdleAire out of the bankruptcy gutter. As soon as the court gives them the go-ahead, IdleAire is going to add IPIX cameras to their in-cab electric units so that truckers can take high quality virtual tour images of…
Dream Ticket coming soon to a ballot near you?
There has been much speculation as to whether the Democrats will assemble a Dream Ticket consisting of Obama for President and Clinton for Vice-President. Roving Knoxpatch reporters have uncovered a far more interesting rumor, a rumor so fresh it hasn’t even received Flashing Siren treatment on the Drudge Report. Insiders close to both candidates have…
New immigration laws to keep out Californians, others
Governor Bredesen is expected to sign legislation this week that will drastically cut down on the number of people moving to Tennessee from out-of-state, especially those from California. This bill is hailed as a triumph for anti-inter-state-immigration lobbyists who have been pushing for tighter control of Tennessee borders. “This is truly a great day for…
Fred Thompson stops, smells roses
Burning up the campaign trail, including three stops in as many weeks, Fred Thompson was just about to ramp up his campaign earlier today. Instead of making his way to the Rotund Room where he was scheduled to speak, he stopped to smell some roses that were left for a guest at the hotel front…
U.T. professor studies Mexican workers, releases study
University of Tennessee professor Marvin Valazquez received federal funding last year to study the working habits of Mexican blue collar workers in the United States to see how they compare to U.S. citizens. The controversial study will be released next week, and published in the scholarly journal “Work It.” At his press conference yesterday, Valazquez…
Great pumpkin seen in leaf fire
While Catholics the world over are celebrating the spectacle of Pope John Paul II waving from beyond the grave in flames of a brush fire, farmer Bubba C. Gaines swears he saw the Great Pumpkin rising from his recent leaf fire. Experts say the photo he snapped with his iPhone is inconclusive, but pumpkin-o-philes are…
Victor Ashe working on new attraction for Knoxville
Sore at being outdone by current Knoxville mayor Bill Haslam, Victor Ashe is rumored to be using his ties with President Bush to lure a new attraction to downtown Knoxville. According to an anonymous contact familiar with the negotiations, Ashe is in talks with President Bush to locate the Bush Presidential Library in downtown Knoxville.…
I don’t get it
This is Bjorn here, your trusty useless reporter in the field, covering the blog convention at Ray’s ESG sitting right next to Brehd and some other folks. I am using a Mac, which more or less goes against everything I believe in, so what does that tell us? That I have reached my limit on…
Mexicans dig wormhole to Knoxville
In a new development, U.S. border patrol agents are baffled by a rare wormhole they have found dug under the U.S.-Mexico border fence. The wormhole was discovered by agents patrolling the Arizona border early Thursday in the Coronado National Forest. Reports say it was covered by brush, but agents spotted flashes of light coming from…