Author: Bjorn Knoxley

Last night’s Oak Ridge City Council meeting is one to remember. Nothing on the agenda was out of the ordinary, but during heated discussion about how best to execute a preemptive strike against Claxton, Bud Sherbet stood to his feet. After hesitating for a few seconds, he began jumping up and down, yelling “I want…

Increasing competition from entities such as South College has forced Pellissippi State to reformat many of its class offerings in order to remain competitive. After interviewing nearly 100% of the 2005 class, it has been found that the most needed skills are those that allow one to properly handle paperwork and find a place to…

As Stabucks gears up to offer breakfast items, Krispy Kreme is developing a dinner menu in hopes to entice more evening customers. The menu, not for the health conscious, is tailored to win over customers that would request a ‘biggie’ or ‘value’ sized fast-food dinner. The bare-bones menu, being test-marketed here in Knoxville for only…

Questionable decisions and practices surrounding Knoxville Fire Department Chief Carlos Perez continue to raise eyebrows. Chief Perez has recently been in the press for overtime spending, various expense-related issues such as a $100,000 shower facility, and for not necessarily providing equal treatment to transgendered fire persons. If one is to believe the rumor mill, however,…

With a fierce battle for viewers, WATE has scored a solid win in the competition for the news audience by introducing the WATE Pothole Patrol. This new and edgy programming decision puts reporters on the front line of danger, often having to drive directly over potholes in order to secure a position to report on…

In Coach Pearl we trust? Over the past few months, stories have begun to circulate regarding the miraculous powers of Tennessee Basketball coach Bruce Pearl’s sweat. Although the specific properties of this miracle fluid have not been analyzed, believers say the facts speak for themselves. Just by being in the presence of Pearl’s sweat: Thousands…

After a spectacularly disappointing performance at the 2006 Winter Olympics, Bode Miller has quickly accepted the only advertising contract to come his way. Bode will be the first official spokesperson of Knoxville Bolt & Screw, Inc., a distributor of bolts, turnbuckles, screws, nuts and fasteners. When asked why he accepted the offer with such a…

After a spectacularly disappointing performance at the 2006 Winter Olympics, Bode Miller has quickly accepted the only advertising contract to come his way. Bode will be the first official spokesperson of Knoxville Bolt & Screw, Inc., a distributor of bolts, turnbuckles, screws, nuts and fasteners. When asked why he accepted the offer with such a…

Last month, Jihad Oil, Gas, and Ports Ltd., a company based in Sana’a in the Republic of Yemen, bought Holston Gases in downtown Knoxville. The Bush administration encouraged the purchase as part of its Homeland Security measures, and ensures the public that this is such a good idea, the company should be allowed to manage…

Vulcan, Roman god of fire, managed to hold off firefighters and assist with downtown revitalization last night by removing portions of yet another worthless old house from Hill Avenue near the riverfront. Although a large portion of the building has been burned, the fate of the building will remain under debate due to its location…

Tonight, there is good news for Knoxvillians who have drug or alcohol dependencies. Starting next week, a new program called “Free Beer and Drugs For Everyone” kicks off with a drunken loft dance in the Old City. Anyone with a dependency, or anyone who would like free beer or drugs, needs only fill out a…

Due to a system glitch, Knox County citizens who sign up for the new prescription drug discount card will be removed from the state lottery eligibility list. This little-known lottery eligibility list was developed by the same software company who wrote the discount card system, and they apparently used the same database to store names…

Knoxville will soon have red light cameras at several intersections, cameras that are in place to watch us IN CASE we do something wrong. Many folks think these cameras are such a good idea, that additional proactive safety measures are being proposed throughout Knoxville. Policies currently under consideration include: 1. Fertility testing with every purchase…

In the tradition of the musical heritage walk in downtown Knoxville, the new riverfront development will incorporate a “History of Sewage” walk. “We’re trying to take a negative and make a positive out of it,” explained riverfront developer and sewage afficionado Jackey Dempster. “You could say the sewage odor wafting across the breeze from the…

Unless you live under a rock, you have heard by now about Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shooting a fellow hunter last week. But what you may not know is that this was not the first sporting accident where Cheney caused grief for other people. Knoxpatch.com research interns have discovered that in addition to shooting…