Not satisfied with simply switching from a useless Republican to a useless Democrat, Senator Arlen Specter has decided to dramatically change other aspects of his life. Few know that on the same day as his announcement, Specter took delivery of a European car, fresh from a used car lot in England. At a scarcely-attended news…
Author: Bjorn Knoxley
America votes for change
America overwhelmingly voted for change today, electing one Barack Obama as President of the United States. Obama ran on a campaign pledge of “change,” although it was never clear exactly what change was promised. Tonight, Obama’s campaign revealed that each and every American will receive three quarters, a dime, two nickels, and six pennies. The…
Poll workers annoyed by fingerprints
Knox County poll workers usually are patient, friendly people. However, due to the large amount of fingerprints on the not-touchscreen voting machines, lately some poll workers are starting to get agitated with all the cleaning they have to do. “I mean, really, can’t they tell by the dial that the big, friendly screen is not…
John McCain to quit campaign
As the daily polls are coming in showing an ever-growing Obama landslide, the campaign of John McCain has gone beyond desperation to make up the difference. Selecting a hot female running mate proved ineffective and bringing up Obama’s Marxist and socialist background has failed to make a dent. After the two Tennessee boys they hired…
President Bush declares man’s backyard as disaster area
Johnny Balls has a backyard that is suffering greatly from the severe drought affecting East Tennessee. He has been hit so hard by a lack of rain that his grass is turning brown. “My grass was doing so well earlier this year, all my neighbors was complimenting me,” explained Balls, “and now look at it!…
Supreme Court Wire
In a unanimous decision today, the Supreme Court ruled 9-0 that “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” In another case, the Court refused to hear Belgium’s claim that American horse meat is way better than other horse meat. US horse meat factories will now have to switch to ass meat, which is a bit…
Mystery of rocket encountered by pilot solved
A Continental airlines pilot who was startled by what he described as a “rocket” yesterday gets to rest easy. Speculation flew as to what happened. Some reports say it was a missile launched by terrorists. A more “down to earth” theory involved model rocketry, as some model rockets are known to reach that height. This…
Word on the Street
“Why can’t the damn county employees keep track of their credit card purchases? I mean, how the hell hard is it?” -Mike “Staunch” Staunton, construction worker “I don’t like this Obama guy. And not for the reasons you think. I don’t like McCain either. I think they both suck. I want to vote for ‘Other’…
Butter once again voted Knoxville’s favorite food
In other news, butter was just named Knoxville’s favorite food for the 33rd year in a row. Butter originally had competition from lard, but health conscious Knoxvillians promoted butter as a better alternative, and lard has since dropped to Number 14 on the list of favorites. The Top 5 also includes macaroni, pizza, salt, and…
Fuel prices got you down?
Record high fuel prices have many Knoxvillians on the run–either because they robbed a gas station or because they thought running would be a better alternative commute. For many others, it is a painful time, one where choosing between fuel and unlimited text messaging has become a way of life. Our Knoxpatch staff feels your…
IdleAire and IPIX to team up
Two of Knoxville’s highest profile tech company flops are set to team up to try to bail IdleAire out of the bankruptcy gutter. As soon as the court gives them the go-ahead, IdleAire is going to add IPIX cameras to their in-cab electric units so that truckers can take high quality virtual tour images of…
Dream Ticket coming soon to a ballot near you?
There has been much speculation as to whether the Democrats will assemble a Dream Ticket consisting of Obama for President and Clinton for Vice-President. Roving Knoxpatch reporters have uncovered a far more interesting rumor, a rumor so fresh it hasn’t even received Flashing Siren treatment on the Drudge Report. Insiders close to both candidates have…
New immigration laws to keep out Californians, others
Governor Bredesen is expected to sign legislation this week that will drastically cut down on the number of people moving to Tennessee from out-of-state, especially those from California. This bill is hailed as a triumph for anti-inter-state-immigration lobbyists who have been pushing for tighter control of Tennessee borders. “This is truly a great day for…
Fred Thompson stops, smells roses
Burning up the campaign trail, including three stops in as many weeks, Fred Thompson was just about to ramp up his campaign earlier today. Instead of making his way to the Rotund Room where he was scheduled to speak, he stopped to smell some roses that were left for a guest at the hotel front…
U.T. professor studies Mexican workers, releases study
University of Tennessee professor Marvin Valazquez received federal funding last year to study the working habits of Mexican blue collar workers in the United States to see how they compare to U.S. citizens. The controversial study will be released next week, and published in the scholarly journal “Work It.” At his press conference yesterday, Valazquez…