TADOS has parked a rented box truck on Kingston Pike, offering newcomers a free move back home before the election. The first caller wanted to be clear that he was staying.
Category: Election
The Knoxpatch Election Desk — covering every race since 2002 with the seriousness each deserves. The Desk has called three elections early and retracted four of them.
TADOS reactivates for governor’s race, discovers most of its new members are from out of state
The anti-out-of-stater lobby TADOS is back for the governor’s race, pending resolution of an internal audit showing 24 of its 61 members arrived after 2019 — including the new chapter president, who moved from Sacramento to get away from people like himself.
Trump recorded singing the praises of lamb fries
In newly released recordings, Donald Trump was overheard lauding his guilty pleasure, lamb fries. In the 1994 recording, Trump was overheard discussing his obsession with Knoxville Mayor Bill Haslam. Knoxpatch.com has acquired exclusive transcripts of the conversation: Haslam: “So, Donald. What do you think about these Petro’s?” Trump: “Well, they’re pretty good. I do like…
Wikileaks previews latest Clinton data dump with Knoxpatch.com
Ahead of their major announcement coming Tuesday, Wikileaks exclusively previewed several of the more interesting findings with Knoxpatch.com today. Through email, Julian Assange shared a list of the damning information with us. In 1996, Hillary Clinton failed to tip the roller skating girl who delivered food at a Sonic Restaurant. She also has never tipped…
Tennesseans Set to Vote on Amendment Encouraging Pregnant Women to Consider Abortion
As the polls opened for early voting across Tennessee yesterday, all eyes were on the ballot initiatives, especially Amendment 2. Pro-abortion groups are eagerly anticipating passage of the first-of-its kind constitutional amendment that will encourage ALL pregnant woman to consider abortion as an alternative to going through with their pregnancies. “Tennessee isn’t usually known for…
Modern Maya people respond to US Presidential elections
In response to the US Presidential elections, the remaining modern Maya people have issued a collective statement on behalf of their elders. “Told you so, pack up your shit, get in a bunker, and take your guns with you. It’s over.”
Board and lumber sales spike among democrats as election nears
The media has given a great deal of attention to the spike in gun sales during the 2012 election cycle, but according to local retailers, other items have spiked as well. Just as the Republicans have rushed to purchase guns in fear of Obama’s gun-control policies, Democrats have purchased 2 x 4’s and 4 x…
Romney has surprise up sleeve
Anonymous sources have confirmed that, if chosen as the Republican nominee for President, Mitt Romney will name Hillary Clinton as his VP running mate. “The implications of this move are astounding,” explained Republican strategist Burt Elefante. In order to secure Ms. Clinton on the ticket, Romney had to promise there was at least an 80%…
Mix-up leads Sarah Palin to Tennessee Valley Farms
After weeks of hoopla surrounding Sarah Palin’s planned visit to Tennessee, a simple mix-up led her in the wrong direction. Expected at the Tennessee Valley Fair, she showed up today at Tennessee Valley Farms. Although she was unable to meet with supporters, she still had the opportunity to have animals lick her hands, so she…
Palin promises big announcement at Tennessee Valley Fair, bringing Color Me Badd
As announced earlier, Sarah Palin plans to take the stage at the Tennessee Valley Fair on September 16. Her visit has been met with a bit of controversy because it forces the cancellation of a planned concert by Boyz II Men. Today, we received notice that a big announcement can be expected that night, and…
Palin announces visit to Tennessee Valley Fair, replaces Boyz II Men
With a better-than-expected reception at the Iowa State Fair, Sarah Palin has announced plans to visit fairs across the United States as the summer winds down. Palin denied speculation that the state fair tour was a precursor to a Presidential campaign, “That’s ridiculous,” Palin said. “I just like it when all the farm animals lick…
“Rent Is Too Damn High” guy wins Knoxville mayoral debate
After relocating to Knoxville from New York, reportedly due to the rent being too damn high, former New York gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan decided late Thursday to run for mayor of Knoxville. “I heard about the debate, and decided I’d throw in my voice,” he explained. “There are lots of things in Knoxville that are…
Hillary Clinton vows to campaign through 2010
Just last week, Hillary Clinton sited the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy as a reason to stay in the race. Over the weekend, during a lull in campaigning activities, Hillary had an opportunity to see “I Am Legend” with Will Smith and realized that the death of her opponent isn’t the only thing she can…
Dream Ticket coming soon to a ballot near you?
There has been much speculation as to whether the Democrats will assemble a Dream Ticket consisting of Obama for President and Clinton for Vice-President. Roving Knoxpatch reporters have uncovered a far more interesting rumor, a rumor so fresh it hasn’t even received Flashing Siren treatment on the Drudge Report. Insiders close to both candidates have…