Author: Bjorn Knoxley

More than 200 Knoxville birds have tested positive for Spring Fever. Although the source of the problem cannot be proven, it is believed that the recent cold snap is to blame. Experts warn that the owners of the birds will have to cull the entire flocks, or let the birds go outside to play a…

The talented Knoxville News Sentinel editorial cartoonist, Charlie Daniels, has upset residents of Hell with his February 15th cartoon showing a fictionalized discussion between two ‘devil’ creatures looking at a bill from TVA. One minion of Hell that wished to remain anonymous seemed exasperated and wished to stress to our readers the fact that Hell…

Weigel’s Farm Stores has secured sole rights to bottle and bring to market the refreshingly clean taste of the quickly melting polar ice caps. By having the foresight to seize this opportunity, it is expected that Weigel’s will quickly dominate the bottled water market and possibly exit the dairy business. When asked if they will…

Although they are typically known for simply offering advice, the ‘fashion police’ have arrested Andie Ray, the owner of Vagabondia. According to the fashion police report, the decision to arrest Andie was a last-resort and seen as a necessity to protect anyone that could be a future customer. Comments from the report include the following:…

With offensive coordinator Sanders out of the way, Notre Dame looked like an easy win for the University of Tennessee Volunteers. However, according to Coach Fulmer, a drastic mistake involving overly diluting the Gatorade mix caused the Vols to weaken late in the game…and eventually lose. The water boy has been fired and mixing the…

The E.W. Scripps Co., owner of the Knoxville News Sentinel, the Halls Shopper, and Powell Shopper, is in negotiations to buy Knoxpatch.com. “It is our philosophy to control all sources of news within a community,” said Mark Consuelo, a big executive-type at Scripps. “We feel that bringing each of Knoxpatch.com’s 6 readers into our fold…

In case Judge Alito is not confirmed to the Supreme Court, or if there is another conservative rebellion, President Bush has reportedly tapped Knoxville Judge Roald Van Wade as an alternate backup nominee. Judge Wade’s years of experience presiding over traffic court should provide him with an adequate resume to get confirmed. “Judge Wade has…

“The announcement that offensive coordinator Randy Sanders would step down was a move in the right direction, but only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the fixes we’re putting into place.” stated an anonymous UT Official. “If we’ve learned anything from the success of the athletic program this year, it’s the benefits…

In response to fears of a terrorist attack involving characters from the popular South Park cartoon, a Towelie-ban has been initiated throughout the City of Knoxville effective immediately. According to reputable tips from anonymous sources that identified themselves only as Matt and Trey, a specific threat exists against the Downtown Knoxville trolley system and the…

The LCSD, which has been on a nightmare roller coaster ride for the last 14 months – beginning with the murder of Deputy Jason Scott – is scheduled to close its doors next week. Sheriff Tim Guider, who seemed exasperated, was quoted as saying, “I’ve had officers shot, officers shoot themselves, officers arrested, officers indicted….

Towelie ban put into effect in Karns

After setting up multiple temporary housing facilities to assist those impacted by recent hurricanes, the Volunteer spirit continues to shine in Knox County. Through a plan outlined by Mayor Ragsdale, every person in Knox County will be encouraged to take one bucket of fill-dirt to New Orleans and simply dump it out. According to the…

Planning got underway early in the year for a new Knoxville New Year’s Eve celebration. Grand ideas were put into action by a team determined to bring a little bit of New York City to downtown Knoxville, with Market Square filling in for Times Square. At the TVA Towers end of the Square, a ball…

Y-12 union nixes ‘4/10’ Plant re-evaluating plan already applied to salaried workers By FRANK MUNGER, munger@knews.com September 17, 2005 OAK RIDGE Union leaders have rejected a proposed “4/10” work schedule at the Y-12 nuclear weapons plant, raising questions about whether the entire program will be scrapped. Kenny Cook, president of the Atomic Trades and Labor…

Reports are coming in that a large portion of Knoxville has been all but destroyed by a rare inner-city brush fire. The cause of the blaze is unknown, but various individuals have been quick to point fingers and place blame. Rumors from the 4th and Gill Neighborhood point to the intense heat and friction created…