Category: News

Not satisfied with simply switching from a useless Republican to a useless Democrat, Senator Arlen Specter has decided to dramatically change other aspects of his life. Few know that on the same day as his announcement, Specter took delivery of a European car, fresh from a used car lot in England. At a scarcely-attended news…

Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale on Tuesday morning proposed replacing the US dollar as the international reserve currency with something available around most of the globe, pork bellies. In an essay posted on the Knox County Government web site, Ragsdale said the goal would be to create a reserve currency “that is disconnected from individual…

Fulmer announced today that he will not be accepting an offer from the University of Tennessee to take a 90-day appointment as a special assistant to President John Petersen. According to an undisclosed source, the decision was based on a simple mix-up regarding salary. “It appears that he misunderstood the salary offer, thinking the 12.5/month…

In response to the continued economic uncertainty and bleak outlook of consumers, the FDIC’s Board of Directors has voluntarily offered to approved IOU’s written “in good faith while sober, as long as they are not offered in exchange of sexual favors.” According to the General Counsel’s opinion, this should allow those without cash or credit…

Shortly after David Keith announced that he is suing people because he no longer has a career, he was spotted at the Cedar Bluff exit offering to act for spare change. Although this will likely pay better than his current career, it could prove to be a very humbling experience as few people have actually…

I tried to come up with something to make fun of UT Football, but Fulmer beat me to it with the Homecoming game.

The Knoxville News Sentinel has announced that they are no longer in the business of providing content, and have let go of 13 members of the news staff. As more readers move from the printed paper to the online edition, this is described as a natural transition. According to the Sentinel, original content from reporters…

America overwhelmingly voted for change today, electing one Barack Obama as President of the United States. Obama ran on a campaign pledge of “change,” although it was never clear exactly what change was promised. Tonight, Obama’s campaign revealed that each and every American will receive three quarters, a dime, two nickels, and six pennies. The…

Starbucks and Krispy Kreme recently made announcements to lure in voters, each are giving away free product to all those that step up and vote in the 2008 Presidential Election. Making a similar announcement, Knoxville Area Rescue Ministries today announced that they will provide a second bowl of soup to any homeless individual that votes…

Coming down to the wire for election day, Barack Obama has found a way to lure undecided Tennessee voters. “I’ve promised to fix everything else in the world, so I promise to also fix the University of Tennessee football program. We’ll create a system the equally redistributes the talented players and coaches throughout the SEC,…

After successfully kicking skeptical reporters off the Obama campaign plane, the Obama campaign has decided to remove skeptical voters from the equation throughout the heavily contested battleground states. Reports first came from Ohio as a series of vans circled shopping centers and abducted anyone not wearing an Obama pin or sporting an Obama decal on…

On the heels of voting to increase the CEO’s base salary by nearly half a million dollars, the TVA board quickly noticed that recent rate increases will not completely cover the increased salary. As a stopgap to prevent the bleeding of cash, they voted in an emergency plan that calls for burning the elderly to…

Knox County poll workers usually are patient, friendly people. However, due to the large amount of fingerprints on the not-touchscreen voting machines, lately some poll workers are starting to get agitated with all the cleaning they have to do. “I mean, really, can’t they tell by the dial that the big, friendly screen is not…

As the daily polls are coming in showing an ever-growing Obama landslide, the campaign of John McCain has gone beyond desperation to make up the difference. Selecting a hot female running mate proved ineffective and bringing up Obama’s Marxist and socialist background has failed to make a dent. After the two Tennessee boys they hired…

A bit disillusioned, Scott Gordy recently cancelled his Twitter account after only two months of use. “It sounded so cool when other people talked about it, but then almost nobody followed me. Then I realized just how little folks cared about what I was up to. Posting messages about when I ate lunch and what…