Unsure of what she really wants to do, sources say that a recent Mayoral candidate that has been making a run for an open Senate seat may have found her calling in life. According to those close to her, sending electronic newsletters has become her passion. “She likes that you can send them every day,…
Category: News
All the news that happens, and a great deal that does not. The Knoxpatch flagship desk since 2002.
Madonna to convert to Southern Baptist
After her recent trip to Israel, Madonna has decided that Kabbalah and Judaism are just not for her. “I’ve tried being a Catholic, a Jew, a Hindu, Taoist, Maoist, and Buddhist. Nothing makes me feel complete, even with all this money,” she explained. “Now that I am dating Jesus, it only makes sense for me…
Conservatives seek alternative to Obama school speech
In the midst of the uproar over Obama’s alleged “indoctrination” speech next week aimed at school children, conservative parents have been mulling over ideas for an alternative activity for their children to participate in. Ideas being tossed around include showing Sarah Palin’s speech from the Republican National Convention and having the children read and discuss…
Obama team courts Mike Tyson as new spokesperson
After a healthcare activist bit off the finger of a counter-demonstrator, it didn’t take Obama’s advisors long to realize they were onto something big. “Clearly, those that would be in favor of the healthcare reform as currently outlined would have a unique perspective and thought process. In order to best reach these people, we need…
Executive order will alter Pledge of Allegiance
Keeping with his school children theme, Obama is expected to sign an executive order changing some of the lines in the Pledge or Allegiance. This is designed to coincide with his video message to students and will be among the items handed out. Various celebrities will be recorded reciting the new pledge in an effort…
Spirit of Ted Kennedy to make speech
The spirit of late Senator Ted Kennedy is set to make a speech in front of a joint legislative meeting when congress returns from recess. The speech is rumored to include how it was his dying wish to see healthcare reform passed by the end of the year. No one is certain what happens next…
Ghost of Smith/Coughlin House Terrorizing Club Members
Since the destruction of the historic Smith/Coughlin House in December of 2004, things have been pretty quiet around the Cherokee Country Club. Mostly. Sketchy reports have been coming in, increasing in frequency as we approach the 5th anniversary of the historical obliteration, that ectoplasmic activities have been intensifying in the area surrounding the country club….
UT makes major change in graduation process
Following the announcement regarding changes to the athletics tickets program, UT has announced a major change in the academic process and how graduations will be processed. Under the new system, students and family members will need to give money to a new fund overseen by the athletic department in order to receive a diploma. UT…
One brave man steps forward and remembers Michael Jackson as the freak he was
“I don’t understand it,” says Marcus Williamson. “Just two weeks ago, if you asked anyone about Michael Jackson they’d tell you he was crazy. At best, they’d giggle and recall the joke about the similarities in Jacko and K-Mart…boy’s pants, half off.” “Now, he’s a freaking saint. Sure, he made a couple good songs. But…
New program designed to train young girls to enjoy WIC and Food Stamps
A new program, “College-Bound Sisters,” has been unveiled in North Carolina to pay young girls not to get pregnant. The payment, $1/day. The program was developed at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro by Hazel Brown, a maternity nurse who thought too many teens were having babies. Brown said she hopes the program, which…
Eighties bands come out of woodwork to protest new nuclear reactors
When TVA recently announced they were planning to place the first new mPower reactors at the Clinch River site near Oak Ridge, they never expected protesters to organize so quickly. Within three hours of the announcements, groups of old guys with big hair and black leather assembled near the proposed location, holding “No Nukes” signs…
AOL leaves Time Warner, proposes merger with Remedy Coffee
On the heels of announcing a spin off from Time Warner, AOL has released spotty details regarding a proposed merger with Remedy Coffee, located in Downtown Knoxville. The deal, seen similar to the agreement AT&T has with Starbucks, would provide online access for AOL users while visiting the new (and, as an editiorial note…simply fantastic)…
Nobody on-hand to script a response, Kiffin mumbles
Well, it looks like the media-generating mouth of Kiffin is much quieter if he doesn’t have a scripted response written by someone else (like, say his Twitter feed, that is still handled inappropriately). When confronted by Spurrier today, Kiffin “…clearly embarrassed, mumbled something inaudible.” You go boy!
Local introverts announce formation of Knoxville Anti-Social Media Association
According to Brehd, “Despite everyone’s incessant urge to be social, we’ve decided not to hold meetings on the first and third Thursday of each month at Prince Deli. If nobody shows up for these, we may not hold morning meetings at Starbucks as well.”
After stimulation, on trail of car
Just over a month ago, a photo op was staged of President Obama entering a Northern Virginia Chrysler dealership and buying a new PT Cruiser. This was supposed to display his faith in both Chrysler as a company and the economy in general. In a speech, he stated he was doing his part to stimulate…