A single home has been found that avoided damage during the storms that have deluged Knoxville in 2011. The house, located near the Historic 4th & Gill neighborhood, has struck fear in the hearts of nearby residents. “It’s the work of the devil,” explains Mayor Brown. “The gutters, roof, siding, they’re all perfect. It’s just…
Category: News
All the news that happens, and a great deal that does not. The Knoxpatch flagship desk since 2002.
Alexander Inn to accept reactor fuel from Y-12
As a last-ditch effort to save the Alexander Inn, members of the Oak Ridge Revitalization Effort (ORRE) have made arrangements to accept and process never-used reactor fuel from Y-12 nuclear weapons plant. The materials, previously slated for disposal in Nevada, will be shipped directly to the Alexander Inn at substantial savings. A spokesman for ORRE has…
Knox County School Board seeks new definition of term ‘physical’
On the heels of some schools adding fly fishing to physical education programs, the Knox County School Board is hoping to take the movement a step forward by adjusting the definition of ‘physical.’ “The term is simply daunting,” states a representative of the Knox County School Board. “We can’t motive kids towards something that means…
Religious flash mobs growing in popularity
Knoxville is leading a trend in the bible-belt of church-related ‘flash mobs.’ The latest, causing quite a stir at World’s Fair Park, involved a gathering of more than 100 people that spontaneously baptized picnickers and other visitors relaxing near the waterfall and damn. The event, called a ‘flashtism’ has generated debate as to its effectiveness….
Knoxville Growth Plan calls for recruitment of Superhero
A new City of Knoxville growth plan has been released, stressing a call for a local Superhero. According to the plan, the the major differences between Gotham, Metropolis and Knoxville is the lack of a crusader. On paper, Knoxville has most of the amenities needed by a typical superhero. A corrupt police department, increased crime,…
Oak Ridge narrowly dodges Target
Another Target is being built in the region, but thanks to the forward-thinking officials in Oak Ridge, they’ve managed to dodge that bullet yet again. According to Tom Beehan, Mayor of Oak Ridge, “If Oak Ridgers wanted a Target, they’d clearly live in Knoxville or Minnesota. Plus we don’t want to compete with our thriving…
‘Luckiest Man Alive’ walks through Krutch Park without being solicited
Although unconfirmed, rumors have spread that a visiting businessman walked all the way through Krutch Park today without anyone begging him for money or to use his mobile phone. The unnamed gentleman, simply referred to by onlookers as ‘the luckiest man alive,’ reportedly passed through the park around noon today, and just kept going.
Wannabe counselors disappointed by Camp Cougar curriculum
After hearing a news story about Camp Cougar, a program at Northview Middle School in Kodak, a group of Knoxville women quickly enrolled as volunteer counselors. “We should’ve paid more attention to the news story,” explains Samantha Joy. “But it was hard to hear all the details in the bar.” Apparently, Samantha and a few of…
Survey shows what Knoxvillians truly care the least about
A recent survey conducted by well-meaning citizens, hoping to provide a small amount of guidance to media outlets, has provided some insight into items the general public simply doesn’t care about. Among the items least interesting to Knoxvillians: Anything on the Heartland Series The status of Ellen Turner’s home (they’re glad it’s renovated, but apparently…
Art displays through Knoxville exposed as laziness by Waste Connections of Tennessee
Many of you may have noticed various pieces of metal on the streets of downtown Knoxville over the past months. Many residents, starved for big-city living have embraced these items as ‘art,’ even drawing attention to them. Waste Connections of Tennessee has admitted today that these are nothing more than piles of garbage that the…
Pellissippi State replaces popular balloon festival with CowChip Bingo
Pellissippi State Community College has announced that they’re canceling the annual balloon festival. According to President Allen Edwards, it was simply too successful, leading to traffic jams and large masses of people. “In order to cut back on the popularity of the event, we’re replacing it with CowChip Bingo,” says Edwards. “We’re hoping that a…
Bonnaroo 2012 in danger as moonbats learn about MP3’s and CDs
As the 80,000+ Bonnaroo attendees wandered about in the heat and stench of one-another, awaiting music, one of the bands made an announcement that has already caused quite a ruckus. “This is off our last CD,” stated the lead member of Vermicular Doggie. And the mud pit went silent, as knowledge crept through the crowd. Within…
Market Square Farmer’s Market to start selling German sprouts
Calling them “the Fugu of the vegetable world,” Market Square Farmer’s Market vendor Steve Egwhyte plans to start selling imported German sprouts this weekend. “Vegetarians like to live dangerously too,” Egwhyte explained, “sushi eaters shouldn’t be the only ones facing a culinary challenge like this.” He puts the odds of death from eating the sprouts…
Knoxville City Council members may have sent lewd photos, nobody cares
In the shadow of negative attention drawn to Rep. Anthony Weiner due to sharing suggestive photos with several individuals, it appears that several Knoxville City Council members may have sent similar messages. After polling those in contact with City Council members, however, we have learned that nobody would have looked at the images anyway, making…
Previous Mayoral and Senatorial candidate considers dropping life of sending electronic newsletters to become UT Athletics Director
In yet another surprise career move, a previous local Mayoral…then Senatorial candidate…then electronic newsletter guru, has decided to shift career directions yet again, announcing that she’d like to serve as the University of Tennessee Athletics Director. “I moved from the Mayoral to the Senatorial race because of my goal of focusing on education,” she said….