Category: News

The school board voted unanimously to call in the Sheriff and several SWAT teams to investigate what insiders call the most blatant misuse of a food contract in years. The first SWAT team, codenamed Gregory, is to break down the doors of the Acme School Lunch Delectables Corporation at dawn tomorrow. Their primary objective is…

Alfonso, a Kerbela Circus clown missing since 1996. A black-market clown smuggling ring has been shut down in Knoxville after a seven-year search for the culprits behind the activity. For the purpose of protecting the investigation, details have been withheld from the media during the past few years. Now, with 14 arrests, the full details…

“Darter Boy” shown while playingnear Tellico Dam. While searching the region for a potential suicide victim, a fantastic discovery has been made near the Tellico Dam. A boy, estimated age 12, has apparently been raised by snail darters since being abandoned as an infant. Although he is unable to speak clearly and must constantly remain…

The Smith-Coughlin House has beenlocated on Mars After the freak, mysterious disappearance late last year of the Smith-Coughlin House, conspiracy theorists went wild trying to explain what happened to the house. Many theorized that Cherokee Country Club had torn it down late at night, concealing their actions with a secret government cloaking device developed through…

Hamrick the Christmas Elf poses in the TYS terminal. At around 11:05 Saturday night, a Delta flight pulled into Knoxville carrying Hamrick, the Christmas Elf. Hamrick had never been to Knoxville before, and apparently, had no intention of visiting here. Due to a mixup at ticketing in Atlanta, he got on the wrong plane. He…

After debating for several hours at the latest meeting of the Westland Drive Homeowners Association, residents of the section between Morrell and Ebenezer voted unanimously to close the street to thru-traffic. “We just can’t have all these cars whizzing by all day long,” said resident Joel Barber. “I can’t even let my dogs play outside…

Some daring protesters escaped from the free speech zone, conveniently located outside Linens & Things at the Turkey Creek development in West Knoxville today during President Bush’s visit to downtown Knoxville, according to sources. They were able to catch a bus to the downtown area and make a sneaky appearance by the presidential motorcade as…

Stu Reynolds is displeased. He recently joined Bally’s Total Fitness center with hopes of bettering his life. Or in general terms, to pick up women. “The ads are very misleading.” explains Stu. “The commercials show women on all sorts of exercise equipment. They smile and look towards the television screen. They simply look friendly and…

Tradebank has been a full-service barter exchange program since its inception in 1987. Businesses and professional individuals have long benefitted from participation in the Tradebank network through the opportunity to barter for their needs, allowing them to retain cash they would otherwise expend. A wide range of products and services are promoted on behalf various…

Local artists Brehd Patchley and Bjorn Knoxley will be headlining a show at the Knoxville Gallery of Art later next month. The show will feature many fine works created by these talented native Knoxvillian artists. Beautiful art transpires from the melee that ensues when Brehd’s digital photography meets Bjorn’s watercolor filter. Hailed to be the…

To make the point that the United States is not afraid of terrorist activity, the United States Government has launched a terror attack on itself. In order to maximize the effectiveness of the attack the Terror Alert was lowered to green (“low”) immediately prior to the activity. Soon after, a stealth bomber entered New York…

An unusual occurrence on the construction site of Ashe Park has caused a delay in work, and has thousands believing that a Christmas miracle has been witnessed in Knoxville, Tennessee. One of the construction workers on the site was the recipient of this supposed ‘miracle’ that is making headlines throughout Bible Belt. Scott Isabel, backhoe…

Ben Jacobs has been acting a bit odd lately, his friends are starting to worry. According to Ben, it all started when he visited his plastic surgeon for a nose job. The surgery, however, did not go as promised. It appears that his surgeon (name withheld for legal reasons) has found it cheaper to steal…

Gen. Wesley Clark, presidential candidate and really swell guy, stopped tonight in Knoxville to discuss health care. During the first few minutes of his speech he pointed out how much he does not care that Al Gore did not endorse him because he has Hillary and Spielberg. He went on to tell the crowd that…

Here at Knoxpatch.com, we take terror alerts very seriously. It has come to our attention that, not only should folks reading almanacs be considered potential terrorists, but people reading newspapers should also be considered threats. Additionally, anyone with a copy of “Cat’s Cradle” by Kurt Vonnegut should immediately be reported to authorities. We also issue…