In an attempt to avoid filing for bankruptcy and the stigma that goes with it, Knoxville man Howard Bean sought out other alternatives. “I had really run up a lot of credit card debt,” Bean explained, “plus, the first and second mortgage added up to more than the value of my house and my car…
Category: News
All the news that happens, and a great deal that does not. The Knoxpatch flagship desk since 2002.
Server down for last time, claims employee
Remnants of the PewterMatics server room Local telesales company PewterMatics had to call in a crack team of network support specialists on Tuesday when a disgruntled employee went on a destructive rampage. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said John Hindenberg, PewterMatics’ operations manager. “She just went crazy!” According to police reports, at about 1:32…
Man has knack for making things break
West Hills resident Michael Bean is an ordinary guy. He has a wife, two kids, and two dogs. However, He doesn’t own a car. He doesn’t own a house. He doesn’t own a lawnmower. As a matter of fact, Michael Bean doesn’t own a single thing. Anything Michael buys or owns ends up broken. Just…
Mayor announces Colt 45 official beverage of Knoxville
In an historic announcement, Knoxville Mayor Victor Ashe unveiled a deal between the city and Pabst Brewing Company of San Antonio, TX. The contract grants Pabst Brewing Company the exclusive rights to sell its Colt 45 line of products in vending machines throughout the city. The first phase of the agreement allows Pabst to sell…
School board seeks probe of macaroni contract
The school board voted unanimously to call in the Sheriff and several SWAT teams to investigate what insiders call the most blatant misuse of a food contract in years. The first SWAT team, codenamed Gregory, is to break down the doors of the Acme School Lunch Delectables Corporation at dawn tomorrow. Their primary objective is…
Clown smuggling ring shut down in Knoxville
Alfonso, a Kerbela Circus clown missing since 1996. A black-market clown smuggling ring has been shut down in Knoxville after a seven-year search for the culprits behind the activity. For the purpose of protecting the investigation, details have been withheld from the media during the past few years. Now, with 14 arrests, the full details…
Boy raised by snail darters
“Darter Boy” shown while playingnear Tellico Dam. While searching the region for a potential suicide victim, a fantastic discovery has been made near the Tellico Dam. A boy, estimated age 12, has apparently been raised by snail darters since being abandoned as an infant. Although he is unable to speak clearly and must constantly remain…
Mystery solved: Smith-Coughlin House located
The Smith-Coughlin House has beenlocated on Mars After the freak, mysterious disappearance late last year of the Smith-Coughlin House, conspiracy theorists went wild trying to explain what happened to the house. Many theorized that Cherokee Country Club had torn it down late at night, concealing their actions with a secret government cloaking device developed through…
Christmas Elf briefly stranded at McGhee-Tyson
Hamrick the Christmas Elf poses in the TYS terminal. At around 11:05 Saturday night, a Delta flight pulled into Knoxville carrying Hamrick, the Christmas Elf. Hamrick had never been to Knoxville before, and apparently, had no intention of visiting here. Due to a mixup at ticketing in Atlanta, he got on the wrong plane. He…
Bush sees, hears critics and changes mind
Some daring protesters escaped from the free speech zone, conveniently located outside Linens & Things at the Turkey Creek development in West Knoxville today during President Bush’s visit to downtown Knoxville, according to sources. They were able to catch a bus to the downtown area and make a sneaky appearance by the presidential motorcade as…
Residents vote to close Westland Drive
After debating for several hours at the latest meeting of the Westland Drive Homeowners Association, residents of the section between Morrell and Ebenezer voted unanimously to close the street to thru-traffic. “We just can’t have all these cars whizzing by all day long,” said resident Joel Barber. “I can’t even let my dogs play outside…
Man joins Bally’s Total Fitness center, fails to attract women
Stu Reynolds is displeased. He recently joined Bally’s Total Fitness center with hopes of bettering his life. Or in general terms, to pick up women. “The ads are very misleading.” explains Stu. “The commercials show women on all sorts of exercise equipment. They smile and look towards the television screen. They simply look friendly and…
Tradebank of Knoxville expands services to include housewives
Tradebank has been a full-service barter exchange program since its inception in 1987. Businesses and professional individuals have long benefitted from participation in the Tradebank network through the opportunity to barter for their needs, allowing them to retain cash they would otherwise expend. A wide range of products and services are promoted on behalf various…
Local artists to exhibit work
Local artists Brehd Patchley and Bjorn Knoxley will be headlining a show at the Knoxville Gallery of Art later next month. The show will feature many fine works created by these talented native Knoxvillian artists. Beautiful art transpires from the melee that ensues when Brehd’s digital photography meets Bjorn’s watercolor filter. Hailed to be the…
United States launches preemptive terror attack on self
To make the point that the United States is not afraid of terrorist activity, the United States Government has launched a terror attack on itself. In order to maximize the effectiveness of the attack the Terror Alert was lowered to green (“low”) immediately prior to the activity. Soon after, a stealth bomber entered New York…