Category: News

Rumors circulated on Tuesday that term-limited Mayor Victor Ashe was pursuing having his name legally changed from ‘Victor’ to ‘Mayor.’ Following in the footsteps of such heroes as DotComGuy and GoVeg.com, leaders of the Misguided Moronic Name Change Movement, Mayor Ashe plans to hang on to his title and be “Mayor for life,” according to…

Local artist’s vision of Mayor Victor Ashe. The recent demise of the Lyons View Gardens Project leaves almost $500,000 in city funds available for other uses. Although many projects are being considered, one project which is gaining popularity is to spend the funds to erect a statute of outgoing Major Victor Ashe in Worlds Fair…

The City of Knoxville believes it has learned a lesson from the overwhelming success of Smokies Baseball. The small team couldn’t seem to find a niche within the confines of Knoxville but has been consistently breaking records since leaving the confines of the city. Using the Smokies as a template, many of the standard services…

To the surprise of motorists behind her, Mrs. Ola-Mae Fanning stopped at a red light when it turned red, reported witnesses at the scene. Mrs. Fanning brought her 1987 Buick Century Limited Sedan to a complete stop just before the yellow light faded to red at the intersection of Cedar Bluff and Executive Park Drive…

Dr. Shumaker, embattled University of Tennessee President, has issued an apology for all past actions and declares that he doesn’t actually remember anything that has happened since moving to Tennessee. Lawyers for Dr. Shumaker claim that he has been suffering from a rare disorder by the name of stupidous assism which causes certain individuals to…

Joe Binkley was researching University of Tennessee policies as part of his doctoral thesis when he came across a little known school policy. Passed in 1911, the rediscovered policy allows for University presidents to be recalled if the signatures of at least 32 students can be collected and submitted to the school’s Board of Special…

President Shumaker has been in the press repeatedly over the past months for various alleged indiscretions…all of which center around exorbitant spending habits. These allegations are casting a poor light on the University as a whole and it was decided by the Board of Trustees that some changes must be made. UT will soon install…

A passageway to Shangri-la has been discovered in the bathroom of Taco Bell on Cumberland Avenue. It turns out that what appeared as a doorway to a stall in the bathroom was actually a passageway to pure happiness and nirvana. According to the manager on duty it has been years since anyone actually cleaned the…

ALERT! Knoxville is currently undergoing 12 hours of drought the likes of which the area has never seen. “Through this spring, we’ve had a lot of dry spells, but nothing like today,” explains drought specialist Bernard Joules. The city and county are ordering citizens to refrain from watering lawns, washing cars, or flushing liquids until…

Health officials investigating an outbreak of possum pox that apparently spread from a single possum in Clinton, Tennessee said yesterday the number of reported cases has risen to at least 14. The outbreak illustrates a growing problem: picking possums from the road without knowing how long they have been dead, a trend that some medical…

Two men responsible for decommissioningthe Oak Ridge Graphite Reactorreunite for the first time in 30 years. Thirty years after working together as part of a team created to decommission the Oak Ridge Graphite Reactor, the only two living team members were reunited. The gathering was in honor of the scientists that originally designed the reactor….

Dr. Jerry Dean, Oak Ridge TN, has recently published journals indicating important findings regarding the impact of suicide on the body’s likelihood of developing cancer. Dr. Dean’s test subjects were subjected to high doses of cigarette smoke, saccharin, and the UPN Network over a period of six months. After the six month timeframe, they each…

At this time last year Knoxpatch.com reported on several proposed patches to the University of Tennessee budget, including pay toilets. Once again, as the new fiscal year rolls around, the University of Tennessee finds itself in a budget crisis and needing to save another $40 million. Roving Knoxpatch.com reporters have found a list of proposed…

Knoxville’s ailing member of the Atlantic Coast Hockey League, the Ice Bears, has launched a last-ditch effort for success. After a time of rebuilding throughout the remainder of 2003 they will emerge in 2004 as one of only 12 world-class members of the American Bocce League. This decision does take the Ice Bears on a…

Coming soon: KPKOA To compliment the range of lodging available for the convention center, a KOA Kampground will be built in Krutch Park. Starting next spring, the KPKOA will entice visitors who would otherwise head to the mountains for their kamping needs and it will offer convention center visitors an alternative to stuffy hotels. The…