The Campbell Soup Company, a division of Franco-American, unveiled a new variety of its popular Spaghettios brand canned circular pasta in red sauce. The variety, named SpaghettiVols, will be available in finer grocery stores everywhere next month. In addition to the popular O-shaped bits of pasta, the SpaghettiVols will contain football shaped pastas, and a…
Category: News
All the news that happens, and a great deal that does not. The Knoxpatch flagship desk since 2002.
Moose numbers on rise in East Tennessee
Many moose are becoming more and more frustrated with long cold winters presented to them in the northern areas of the continent. They are attracted to the mild southern climates, in areas where there are still mountain ranges, snowfall, and joggers to maul, but also milder winters, daily sunset and sunrise, and summer days. East…
TDOT admits that it has been working without official plans since 1989
Knoxville streets have been littered by construction workers and orange barrels for several years. The more savvy drivers have recently put 2 and 2 together, forcing the Tennessee Department of Transportation to make an alarming announcement. It appears that a master plan created in 1988 outlining construction needs was lost early during the 1989 calendar…
Jimmy Hoffa’s remains found in Knoxville Museum of Art
Mark Friedlander earned a place in history while visiting the Knoxville Museum of Art (KMA) to take advantage of the new ‘Knox County Days’ offer (a new pricing strategy created to punish museum attendees that live outside of Knox County). It appears that Mr. Friedlander was the first visitor in quite some time to actually…
UFO sightings on the rise in West Knoxville
UFO sightings have been reported throughout West Knoxville in alarming numbers throughout 2002. The past month has brought an even more dramatic increase, with as many as 10 sightings being reported weekly (nearly twice the number of sightings typically reported in all of Knoxville). The exact cause for the increased traffic over the skies of…
Cost-cutting efforts enacted at Powell post office, Pigeons reinstated
The U.S. Postal Service has been losing the battle for market share with e-mail, Federal Express, and United Parcel Service for years. As expenses have increased income has not kept pace. As an experiment in providing new and innovative services at a low cost the Powell post office has begun training pigeons to replace standard…
Restroom signs disappear around Knoxville
The signs to all restrooms in Knoxville have mysteriously disappeared causing confusion and discomfort throughout the city. Finger pointing and leg-crossing run rampant. No direct evidence has been found linking any one person or group to this crime but 2003 mayoral candidate Space Ghost claims to know what happened. “It’s clear what’s happening here, public…
Al Gore crashes on Ebenezer
Al Gore was driving his ’86 Ford Escort down Ebenezer Road late yesterday afternoon when he veered suddenly off the road and ran onto a golf course. He was on his way to the Gettysvue Country Club to attend a $10-a-plate Democrat fundraiser in his honor. “We suspect speed wasn’t an issue,” stated KCSD Officer…
Logistical error causes Lady Vols basketball team to face Florida on the football field
Due to a horrible error in scheduling it appears that the Lady Vols basketball team faced the Florida football team on 9/21/2002 in a match-up that will long be remembered in Knoxville. Although they fought well for women that don’t play football, they simply were unable to keep pace with Florida. As of the publication…
Bearden resident sets world-record for most viewings of Rocky V
Gordon “Rocky†Edens, age 42, recently achieved a life-long dream, gaining recognition for setting a new world-record. Gordon has lived his life in search of the one record that he could break. Months at a time have been spent focusing on different talents such as juggling, walking on his hands, eating hotdogs, and pulling trailers…
Local man ignores phone calls from mother
William Carrigan loves his parents, and until recently, has maintained a pleasant relationship with them. They met at least once a week for dinner and he often attended church or other events with them. But recently, Carrigan has been checking his Caller ID and ignoring phone calls from his mother. “It all started in my…
New library director to make changes
Controversial interim library director Charles Davenport is rumored to be making drastic changes to the library system that will have wide, earth-shaking implications through all branches of the Knoxville/Knox County government. Most library directors go unnoticed by the majority of Knoxvillians, and in fact, up to now, most people did not even know one existed,…
Boomsday grand finale scares patient
At 9:20 on Monday night, September 2, Roger Mulberry was peacefully sleeping in his bed at the Baptist Hospital in downtown Knoxville dreaming about the war. Sometime between 9:20 and 9:22, he was startled awake by the sounds, flashing lights, and vibrations of repeated explosions. According to documents obtained from the nurse’s station, he forgot…
Knoxville archeologist uncovers prototype for the wheel
On a practice dig local archeologist William Cross discovered what he claims to be the prototype for the wheel. ‘It’s important for an archeologist to practice his craft,’ claims Mr. Cross ‘so I’ve been visiting landfills on weekends to practice my digging. It’s usually rather easy work, mainly just sifting through old Metropulse newspapers that…
Another play at the Clarence Brown Theatre, but is it ‘Art’?
‘Broadway hit’ means very little to me. I don’t care if something was a hit somewhere else at some point in time. I’ve seen marketing professionals pile on all forms of adjectives to get my attention (one organization is currently marketing a ‘Broadway-style’ performance in Knoxville). But…for what it’s worth ‘Art’ was a hit on…