A battalion of soldiers from James White Fort, led by Mayor Victor Ashe, have launched a brutal attack on Fort Kid. Details are incomplete but it appears that Mayor Ashe has been unable to accept the fact that he will soon be losing control of Knoxville. Ashe’s most devoted long-time supporters have come together to…

In a U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) report made public last week, a Martian is said to have landed in the Fort Sanders neighborhood sometime last fall. However, not many people noticed because he fit in completely with the other residents. He apparently rented a room in a house on Laurel Avenue and was…

Topsy poses with the flipflop. During the massive January snows of 2003, the heroic act of a Knoxville beagle, Topsy, almost went unnoticed. Topsy’s owner, Ms. Carol Weidmeister, was walking to her mailbox to get the paper. At one point, she took a step higher and with more force than usual, sending her flipflop sailing…

Fuel prices are rising. In response to the rising threat of war in the middle east, gas station owner Tom Ridgedale has raised prices at his South Knoxville station. The price increase affects all grades of fuel, including premium, and he canceled his four cent discount on Thursdays. The governor’s office has yet to release…

Two separate incidents on the same day nearly came to disaster at the construction site of the new bridge being built over the Tennessee River in Loudon County. According to police reports, at approximately 10:00 Thursday morning February 20th, an ETHRA van arrived on the east side of the site with six senior citizens inside….

South Knoxville reporters have announced that nothing newsworthy has taken place recently in South Knoxville. Several stories were prepared, but upon comparison to issues reported in North and West Knoxville it was decided that they are simply not newsworthy.

Due to state budget shortfalls, the Tennessee Department of Transportation, like many other state entities, will be forced to cope with budget cuts for 2003 and beyond. TDOT officials have announced several new cost-cutting initiatives that will begin with the summer of 2003. These initiatives, briefly outlined below, are expected to provide a savings of…

In the wake of disturbing news from NATO, Butterball and Jennie-O have stepped forward where France, Germany, and Belgium would not. Although typically thought of only as competitors, both companies have pledged to work together and “….fight to the death if necessary” to defend turkey. Representatives from both firms expressed deep concern and bewilderment as…

A recent Knoxpatch.com visitor asked us for some advice on where to meet women. It hadn’t occurred to me that folks may wish to use this site as research before visiting our lovely town, I had always thought of the entire site as an inside joke. But, for the sake of this gentleman that visits…

The Pacifist unveils hisnew persona. On the heels of the increasing popularity of Superheroes in movies, Knoxville has scheduled the first ever tryouts for hero/heroine of Knoxville. The decision will be based upon super powers, name recognition, charm, and marketability. The chosen individual is expected to bring several benefits to Knoxville. The Downtown area should…

The Knoxville Police Department is crediting the popularity of The Sopranos for the fact that mob related deaths are on the decline in Knoxville for a third consecutive year. Recent studies conducted by the KPD show that the general public is 40% more aware of signs of mob activity compared to a similar study conducted…

The bicycle of Huey Norton, protectedfrom a terrorist attack by duct tape. In response to the threat of a terrorist attack, and driven by the media frenzy to buy duct tape and bottled water, Huey Norton went on a buying spree. In a single day, Norton went to every duct tape supplier in Knoxville and…

The Tennessee Highway Patrol recently reported that Stacy Taylor has successfully merged her 1983 Toyota Celica into moderate traffic. Although the weather was perfect and traffic flow was lighter than usual; this is clearly considered a major female evolutionary breakthrough. Young Stacy’s life will be greatly disrupted as scientists study her genetic material to find…

Jumbotron, still in its packing, waitsto be installed in a West Knoxville home A West Knoxville man, tired of his friends having a larger television screen than him for the big game or movies, had a Jumbotron installed in his home. The Jumbotron, measuring much larger than even his best friend’s 56″ widescreen high definition…

Enos Johnson and famed fighting chicken. Enos Johnson, known by locals as E.J., is currently under investigation for raising freakishly big chickens for the sole purpose of fighting. Although chicken fighting is illegal in Tennessee, Mr. Johnson has developed a large base of supporters who have realized the ramifications of very large chickens in the…