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Biden Jingle Bell ‘Cough’ Track to be Released

Posted on December 22, 2021December 22, 2021 by Bjorn Knoxley

After realizing the incredible popularity of his coughing COVID-19/Omicron speech, President Biden announced he will soon release a Christmas track. “The dogs barking that beloved Christma…oh yeah, we can’t say Christmas…that holiday song ‘Jingle…something,’ and you know, the cats that do the same thing but with meows, I want to do that too,” he announced…

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Family Confused By Lack of COVID-19 Symptoms

Posted on December 22, 2021December 22, 2021 by Bjorn Knoxley

The Watsons were excited. They were attending their first concert since the COVID-19 lockdowns expired. Around two weeks before the date of the show, the venue changed their rules to require either vaccination cards or a negative COVID test to attend. With four kids, attending any sort of public event is already stressful. The Watsons…

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Wear a mask. Don't be selfish.

Wearing Masks and Other Ways To Stop Being Selfish

Posted on July 5, 2020July 5, 2020 by Bjorn Knoxley

If you are tired of feeling selfish about your reaction to the virus, or anything else for that matter, we can confirm that wearing a mask is the best way to stop feeling or being selfish. If you cover your face with an uncomfortable piece of cloth, not only will you not be protected whatsoever…

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#shiplap Lincoln Bedroom

Trump set to #shiplap the Lincoln Bedroom

Posted on January 21, 2020January 21, 2020 by Bjorn Knoxley

While the media and congress are distracted by the impeachment trial, Trump is taking the opportunity to further stamp his style on the White House. In what some are calling a “daring move,” Trump is set to redecorate the Lincoln Bedroom in the “Farm House” style while nobody is paying attention. The key to this…

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Trump recorded singing the praises of lamb fries

Posted on October 8, 2016October 8, 2016 by Bjorn Knoxley

In newly released recordings, Donald Trump was overheard lauding his guilty pleasure, lamb fries.  In the 1994 recording, Trump was overheard discussing his obsession with Knoxville Mayor Bill Haslam.  Knoxpatch.com has acquired exclusive transcripts of the conversation: Haslam:  “So, Donald.  What do you think about these Petro’s?” Trump:  “Well, they’re pretty good.  I do like…

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Wikileaks previews latest Clinton data dump with Knoxpatch.com

Posted on October 3, 2016October 3, 2016 by Bjorn Knoxley

Ahead of their major announcement coming Tuesday, Wikileaks exclusively previewed several of the more interesting findings with Knoxpatch.com today.  Through email, Julian Assange shared a list of the damning information with us. In 1996, Hillary Clinton failed to tip the roller skating girl who delivered food at a Sonic Restaurant.  She also has never tipped…

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Randy Burleson buys Crown And Goose, plans conversion to Cheddar’s

Posted on January 26, 2016September 28, 2016 by Bjorn Knoxley

This week, news emerged that Randy Burleson, owner of Knoxville favorites Aubrey’s and Bistro By The Tracks, has purchased Old City’s standout, The Crown and Goose restaurant.  Many theories flew around social media as to what will become of The Crown and Goose now that Executive Chef Jeffrey DeAlejandro will no longer be guiding the…

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Man Admits Plan to Commit Assisted Suicide Was Hoax

Posted on October 30, 2014September 28, 2016 by Bjorn Knoxley

Knoxville native Maynard Britain, who announced several months ago he was planning to go through with assisted suicide in response to his terminal illness, has admitted it was a hoax.  “I really do have a brain tumor,” he said in his issued statement, “that is true.  I’m still going to die.  But I was never…

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Regal Entertainment Group announces plan to increase revenue

Posted on October 28, 2014September 28, 2016 by Brehd Patchley

Coming off a disappointing third-quarter earnings report, Regal Entertainment Group enlisted the help of Morgan Stanley & Co. to review strategic options to increase revenue for the chain. What might have appeared to be a daunting task, turned out to be rather simple when viewed by an outside consulting group with no true knowledge of…

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Church Offers Sanctuary to Ebola-Fearful Knoxvillians

Posted on October 16, 2014September 28, 2016 by Brehd Patchley

While local health systems plan a forum to answer the public’s questions about the Ebola virus, a Knoxville church is offering sanctuary to people most afraid of contracting the deadly virus. Ebola has yet to spread to East Tennessee — and may never get here — but Grace Baptist Church, 7171 Oak Ridge Highway, will…

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Tennesseans Set to Vote on Amendment Encouraging Pregnant Women to Consider Abortion

Posted on October 15, 2014October 16, 2014 by Bjorn Knoxley

As the polls opened for early voting across Tennessee yesterday, all eyes were on the ballot initiatives, especially Amendment 2.  Pro-abortion groups are eagerly anticipating passage of the first-of-its kind constitutional amendment that will encourage ALL pregnant woman to consider abortion as an alternative to going through with their pregnancies. “Tennessee isn’t usually known for…

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Best Newspaper Closing of 2014

Posted on October 15, 2014October 15, 2014 by Brehd Patchley

The results are in, and the Best of Knoxville Newspaper Closing for 2014 is the Metro Pulse! And, this gives us a reason to blow the dust off the Commodore 64, fire up our digital printing press, and put Knoxpatch back into motion. Stay tuned…

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Jimmy Haslam / Pilot Flying J offers to buy back fuel to appease complainants

Posted on April 23, 2013 by Brehd Patchley

Although they still maintain that they aren’t saying that they did or did not do anything wrong, sources close to Knoxpatch.com writers tell us that Jimmy Haslam is making an offer to those stating they were hurt by Pilot’s business practices. According to our sources, Pilot will buy back all fuel purchased by those impacted…

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Modern Maya people respond to US Presidential elections

Posted on November 7, 2012November 7, 2012 by Brehd Patchley

In response to the US Presidential elections, the remaining modern Maya people have issued a collective statement on behalf of their elders. “Told you so, pack up your shit, get in a bunker, and take your guns with you. It’s over.”  

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Dewey defeats Truman

Posted on November 6, 2012 by Brehd Patchley

A simple reminder to all the press, bloggers, and opinionated people like myself. Nobody yet knows what is going to happen. If you haven’t voted, go do so.  

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