Knoxpatch.com

Fresh off controversy for investing in IdleAire in conjunction with passing federal funds to boost the company, Mayor Ragsdale may be under review for another business interest.

Although Knoxpatch reporters have been off-duty for quite some time, and clearly rusty, our sources tell us that Ragsdale used County influence to strong-arm Food City to carry the newly revived Kern’s product line. The direct benefit to Mayor Ragsdale for this deal is not yet evident, but the new head baker, Cynthia Finch, states that “It’s not for monetary kickbacks, he just really likes riding the little carousel.”

Governor Bredesen is expected to sign legislation this week that will drastically cut down on the number of people moving to Tennessee from out-of-state, especially those from California. This bill is hailed as a triumph for anti-inter-state-immigration lobbyists who have been pushing for tighter control of Tennessee borders.

“This is truly a great day for Tennessee, ” exclaimed Marcy Gregory, spokesperson for Tennesseans Against Damn Out-of-Staters (TADOS). “These people leave places that suck with the intent of going someplace better, but when they come, they bring with them the culture and attitudes that made the place they are leaving suck, and in effect, make the place they go to suck. You can’t come to a nice, quiet place like Knoxville and try to convert it to a Californian culture without making it just like California. So what is the point in that? Just look at South Florida. It’s like a tiny slice of hot, humid, New-York-and-Boston Hell now. Don’t get me wrong, one or two would be fine, but when one comes, they bring all their family and friends and then there gets to be more and more of them, and they start writing letters and signing petitions and soon we have restaurants like Lenny’s that don’t cater to local tastes and before long you expect to see the Hollywood sign show up on Sharp’s Ridge. I’ll take Mexicans any day.”

This attitude has grown dramatically among native Tennesseans who are tired of seeing all the out-of-state tags on the roads, tired of seeing the real estate prices skyrocket, and tired of the ever-increasing taxes. The attitude has grown so dramatic over the last year that the pressure exerted on the state legislature forced them to act, and the legislation, co-sponsored by Stacey Campfield, passed unanimously in both houses in record time.

The law will go into effect on January 1. It bars anyone from moving here without signing an affidavit saying they will not invite any family or friends to move here. They must also prove they already have a job here and that they are not planning to telecommute back to wherever they are moving from, that they will not offer more than asking price for a house, that they will refrain from writing any letters to the editor of their local paper, will not start a letter writing campaign of any kind, and will not circulate any petition, stage any protest, or complain about the humidity. They must also learn how to speak with an authentic regional accent and pass a cultural and historical test for the location of their choice. They may not drive with an out-of-state license plate, and they must learn all backroads by traveling with a local before attempting to get anywhere on one.

Burning up the campaign trail, including three stops in as many weeks, Fred Thompson was just about to ramp up his campaign earlier today. Instead of making his way to the Rotund Room where he was scheduled to speak, he stopped to smell some roses that were left for a guest at the hotel front desk. “These red roses smell really good,” he explained in a five-minute speech to a desk clerk, “I’ll bet they’re a lot more conservative than Mitt Romney.”

University of Tennessee professor Marvin Valazquez received federal funding last year to study the working habits of Mexican blue collar workers in the United States to see how they compare to U.S. citizens.  The controversial study will be released next week, and published in the scholarly journal “Work It.”  At his press conference yesterday, Valazquez said his findings showed key differences between Mexican workers and U.S. citizens.  According to his studies, Mexican workers do the following in a typical work day:

1. Show up, usually on time regardless of weather or hangover.
2. Work.
3. Siesta and/or drink from large jugs of water.
4. Do more work.
5. Finish.
6. Clean up.
7. Find somebody in their crew to translate status to homeowner or contractor.
8. Go home.

His study found that the key differences are in steps 1, 2, and 5.  “Nothing at all happens unless the worker actually shows up,” he explained.  “Mexicans have Americans beat right there 9 out of 10 times.  We found that homeowners cited this more than any other reason, including cost, for hiring Mexicans over Americans.”  He added that communication was not really a problem, saying that hungover Americans are as hard to communicate with as non-English speaking Mexicans.

I was sitting at work one day awhile back, and noticed a menu had appeared on my desk.  The restaurant was Owen’s, ‘Home of The Gobbler.’”   Hmmm…   It sat there for a couple of weeks, every few days I would look at it again.  Hmmm…  So the wife wanted to do lunch one day and I wasn’t already going with the usual lunch bunch.  “Want to try out a new place,” I asked.  “Sure,” she said.

Owen’s specializes in all things turkey:  Turkey sandwiches, turkey salad, turkey pot pie, open faced turkey, turkey and biscuits, sliced turkey, oven roasted turkey.  They also have roasted chicken, roast beef sandwiches, quiche, soups, and desserts.  They specialize in a giant sandwich called “The Gobbler,” which is turkey and dressing, cranberry sauce, lettuce, & mayo stacked on a kaiser roll with coleslaw and a pickle.  The first time I went, I got a turkey-on-croissant sandwich with a side of fruit and sweet tea and apple pie for dessert.  Next time I got turkey and biscuits.   Several more times, several more turkey-on-croissant sandwiches.  Today I got turkey pot pie served in a small hot crock, way more than I should have eaten in one setting, with a side of cranberry sauce and a sweet tea for $7.10.  Since it is walking distance from my office, I got to burn off some calories on the way back.  You might call this comfort food.  You always get plenty to eat.

The food is hot, fresh-tasting, and good.  My lunch bunch has added it to our regular schedule of eateries.  As time goes on, we find more and more people eating there and more and more employees working there.  The staff are always friendly and always concerned about your experience, making sure your food is good several times while you are there.

If you can still move after finishing your Turkey and Biscuits, finish off your meal with a slice of apple pie.

Owen’s
10420-E Kingston Pike
(Lovell Heights Shopping Center)
Knoxville, TN 37922
865-694-7733
M-F: 11a-6p
Sat: 11a-4p

While Catholics the world over are celebrating the spectacle of Pope John Paul II waving from beyond the grave in flames of a brush fire, farmer Bubba C. Gaines swears he saw the Great Pumpkin rising from his recent leaf fire.  Experts say the photo he snapped with his iPhone is inconclusive, but pumpkin-o-philes are convinced of its authenticity.  According to Gaines, he was burning leaves Sunday evening when the Great Pumpkin appeared.  “I didn’t right know what to do,” he explained.  “So I grabbed this here iPhone and snapped a picture.  Didn’t really think nobody’d believe me otherwise.  It was weird, man.  He just floated there and gave me this weird look.  After I took his picture, he snorted and flew off.”

Believers in the Great Pumpkin have begun their pilgrimage to his field, the location of which was once disclosed, then undisclosed, then redisclosed.  “I had to take my website down,” explained Gaines.  “Too many damn weirdo hippies were showing up in my field.  But then I realized I could charge admission, so I put the site back up.”  Changes in disclosure status and the $20 admission fee has not slowed down the flow of those hoping to glimpse the site where the Great Pumpkin was said to appear.

“Man, I had to come.  Not only to witness this event, but to get my souvenir glossy photo and coffee mug,” explained believer Paul Bass.  “The mixture of marketing, religious iconography, and my belief in the supernatural is way too much for my will to resist.”  The other 10 pilgrims in attendance had much the same attitude.

Others are not convinced.  “He’s just full of it.  I saw him out there trying to throw a flaming pumpkin, and time his camera to go off at the right moment.  He’s been out there every night this week,” explained an anonymous neighbor.  “I think he’s just doing it to sell pumpkins.”

Whether it is real or not, everyone agrees that this is the most significant event to happen lately for believers in the Great Pumpkin.  “Man, you know, stuff like this just doesn’t happen often.  And I have to believe, you just have to believe,” said Bass.

Sore at being outdone by current Knoxville mayor Bill Haslam, Victor Ashe is rumored to be using his ties with President Bush to lure a new attraction to downtown Knoxville.  According to an anonymous contact familiar with the negotiations, Ashe is in talks with President Bush to locate the Bush Presidential Library in downtown Knoxville.  Ashe believes this will really put Knoxville on the map, and that the attraction has the potential to draw more visitors than even the Women’s Basketball Hall of Fame.  “Haslam has done some stuff to revitalize downtown, but just not enough,” explained the source.  “Victor is dead set on leaving a legacy and since he couldn’t save the Smith-Coughlin house from the evil Cherokee Country Club, he has decided that this is the next best thing.”  A spokesperson for President Bush would not comment.  However, experts are torn on both the likelihood and logic of locating Bush’s library here.

This is Bjorn here, your trusty useless reporter in the field, covering the blog convention at Ray’s ESG sitting right next to Brehd and some other folks. I am using a Mac, which more or less goes against everything I believe in, so what does that tell us? That I have reached my limit on Captain Morgan and Cokes. But otherwise, this is fun, whilst I wait on my white pizza, which will of course follow up my fried mushrooms. Brehd thinks we need to kick-start Knoxpatch again, but dammit, I ain’t got no ideas. That and I am about to head to Greece/Egypt/Italy, so I’ll probably be kidnapped and become part of a jihadist video, so it doesn’t matter anyway. Ask me after September 21.

Well, the first Ray’s blog night is here. Due to late notice, the turnout isn’t huge but it’s high class. So far, things are great. The Knoxville News Sentinel is here to cover the festivities, so I wish we had more folks around the table.

At this point, the food and service have been great. But, oddly, you have a slight obstacle course to get to the bathroom.

Les has happily scarfed down some crabcakes, and I didn’t hear him complain…actually, we didn’t hear anything from him until the food was gone. Tamara just knocked down a dozen or so shrimp and Bjorn is working through his fried mushrooms.

Although I realize this isn’t exciting to the general reader, it is what’s happening now.

Ooh, Another One Bites The Dust just came on and Tamara and Bjorn just started wiggling like only bloggers can.

The nice photographer from the Sentinel is going to go ahead and take some pics before everyone gets here, so our small crowd just got rather uncomfortable.

Lessons learned today, from this posting….although it’s important to post on topical items…it’s good to have a topic before typing.

OK, I mentioned the crossdresser earlier. I haven’t spoken to him/her, but he’s hanging out at the bar talking to the girls. I can’t help but wonder why. Hitting on them? Dressing tips? WTF? As an outsider it’s just odd.

I’m logging off for now, might revise/edit/fix this later….but considering how infrequently I’ve been online…might just leave it as it is.

What: “Blog Night @ Ray’s”; a kick off event for the conversion of
Kingston Alley to Ray’s Entertainment Sports Grille (Ray’s ESG) with
free appetizers and happy hour priced drinks for all bloggers.

When: Tuesday, September 4, 7 p.m. to 9 p.m.

Where: 7355 Kingston Pike, Knoxville, Tennessee.

Why: All bloggers are welcome, RSVP by calling (865) 384-8564 or
emailing brehd@knoxpatch.com to attend.