The 39 year old Knoxville woman turned herself in to the Knoxville Police Department after watching new show ‘Person of Interest’. The unnamed woman was quoted as saying, “I watched the show and new that I was in trouble. They were going to catch me anyway. I thought that they would go easier on me…
Stephen A. Burroughs to defend himself in court against Fate
In a unique court case, Fate has filed suit against Stephen A. Burroughs. Claiming that Mr. Burroughs has utilized more than his allotted 15 minutes of fame, Fate demands that he spend the remainder of his life in obscurity. Mr. Burroughs would not comment on the case, but did offer to pose for pictures.
Herman Cain excited to learn Lee Greenwood is still alive
Lee Greenwood has joined the list of celebrities jumping into politics by announcing his endorsement of Herman Cain. A spokesperson for the Cain campaign stated that, “Like other Americans, we’re excited to find out that Lee Greenwood is still alive.”
Anti-Mensa meeting tonight at Krutch Park
Knowing that idiots need a chance to mingle, an anti-Mensa meeting has been scheduled tonight at 6pm in Krutch Park. So that fellow idiots can find one-another, they are encouraged to identify themselves with Occupy Knoxville or Occupy Together signs.
Intercontinental Railroad construction starts in Halls, TN
A new shovel-ready project, Halls Astronomical Intercontinental Railroad, kicks off today in Tennessee. The project will bring the world’s largest railway system into place, offering one-way service from Halls, TN to Tanzania. A timeframe for project completion has not been announced, but at least four “good-sized” men with shovels are working as fast as they…
World Beard & Mustache Championship tainted by Latisse doping
The 2011 World Beard & Mustache Championships were brought to a hair raising halt. There was alleged Latisse doping from the United States Team, based in Knoxville. Officials noticed the telltale signs of Latisse doping in the Tennessee based team, such as discolored lips, thicker than normal beards and mustaches, and rotting teeth. “The use…
Tim Burchett bans those with past DUI’s from visiting AutoZone or NAPA
After receiving media attention and successfully having one sex offender arrested for attempting to read, Tim Burchett has now created a new set of rules to bar those with past transgressions from public places. According to the Mayor’s office, “Those with DUI’s are not to visit AutoZone or NAPA. Both of these locations stock cup-holders…
Professional shuffleboard comes to Knoxville, with the Knoxville Drift
Joining the recently announced Knoxville Nighthawks indoor football team is the Knoxville Drift. The Drift is part of the International Shuffleboard Association (ISA). The Drift will share the Knoxville Convention Center as their home arena with the Nighthawks, alternating nights. Shuffleboard has been growing in popularity with the increasing number of baby boomers. The low…
Mix-up leads Sarah Palin to Tennessee Valley Farms
After weeks of hoopla surrounding Sarah Palin’s planned visit to Tennessee, a simple mix-up led her in the wrong direction. Expected at the Tennessee Valley Fair, she showed up today at Tennessee Valley Farms. Although she was unable to meet with supporters, she still had the opportunity to have animals lick her hands, so she…
Witnesses spot Sarah Palin blowing smoke on Market Square
This is a special news alert!  Several witnesses contacted our tip hotline today to report seeing Sarah Palin on Market Square earlier this morning. She wandered through Krutch Park and admired the other sculptures. She was overheard blowing smoke about this evening’s scheduled stop at the Tennessee Valley Fair.
The Gold Man planning his own “Swagfest”
Hoping to cash in on the meme scheme, Knoxville’s Gold Man, who likes to remain anonymous, is planning his own “Goldfest,” to also be held at the Sunsphere and Convention Center. The date has yet to be determined. The Gold Man, made (locally) famous by his Brimily’s Gold Exchange commercials, feels he should be at…
With record numbers on food stamps, Obama announces a plan
“I’ve tried food stamps, and I understand all the complaints about the number of Americans receiving them, they taste awful,” states President Obama. “That’s why we’re moving the country’s best scientists to a secure location to work on a way to make food stamps taste better…and hopefully not stick to the roof of your mouth.”
Palin promises big announcement at Tennessee Valley Fair, bringing Color Me Badd
As announced earlier, Sarah Palin plans to take the stage at the Tennessee Valley Fair on September 16. Her visit has been met with a bit of controversy because it forces the cancellation of a planned concert by Boyz II Men. Today, we received notice that a big announcement can be expected that night, and…
Knoxville Fire Fighters now fighting on another front
The threat of fire, smoke, and burning buildings is a cakewalk compared to the latest threat that faces local firefighters. While routinely investigating abandoned buildings for fire hazards, fire fighters encountered a tiny foe – fleas. It was not until they had exited the building that the tiny pests were noticed. “They were all over…
Sign of the times, local Merry Maids rebrands as UnMerry Maids
Owners say it’s just a sign of the times, a way to fit the needs of a modern world. The Knoxville franchise of Merry Maids is undergoing a rebranding to a more suitable ‘UnMerry Maids’ philosophy. “It’s pretty simple. In today’s economy, those that can afford help, don’t want to talk to the help,” explains…