A new study indicates that the Tennessee Valley is shedding water at an alarming rate. If nothing is done to stop it, all water in the Tennessee Valley will soon enter the Tennessee River, the Ohio River, the Mississippi River, and finally the Gulf of Mexico, causing ocean levels to rise. The study, funded by…
Chattanooga to be renamed ‘Chatlanta’
It’s more than just talk. Chattanooga is to be renamed ‘Chatlanta’, becoming a suburb of Atlanta, GA. It all began with plans for Chattanooga to house Atlanta’s second airport. Now Chatlanta will house all the waste disposal facilities for both areas and have agreed to keep all the homeless in the greater Chatlanta area, making…
Meth tourism gaining popularity in East Tennessee
With the unbridled success of the Meth Trail, which started last year across rural counties of East Tennessee, many county governments are looking to raise some much-needed revenue by promoting Meth Tourism. Meth, short for methamphetamine, is a drug preferred by rural, dysfunctional people with addictive personalities and a penchant for inbreeding. It is made…
Ten more shops closed for selling synthetic herbs
After cracking down on so-called “head shops” for selling synthetic marijuana, the Knoxville Police Department and District Attorney General’s Office began cracking down on shops that sell other synthetic herbs. Each of the shops participated in the illicit sell or trade of synthetic oregano, thyme, parsley, and rosemary. “When food is prepared using these synthetic…
New study proves Stacey Campfield isn’t a bad person, he just has a low IQ
A new study shows that low IQ is linked to conservative beliefs and prejudice. Those with the lowest IQs tend to make poor public decisions that are harmful to those around them. This activity is being called the ‘Campfield Quotient’ and has a sliding scale that can be used to predict the likelihood of potentially harmful outbursts ranging…
Gloria Ray to step down from KTSC, take on Knoxville’s Olympic bid
Amidst the controversy surrounding her uniquely high salary and bonus structure provided by Knoxville Tourism and Sports Corporation, Gloria Ray is expected to announce her resignation in the coming days.  Knoxville’s exploratory 2020/2024 Olympic Committee is rumored to have offered her a competitive salary to join their efforts.  Her new role will help jump-start Knoxville’s stalled efforts…
Victor Ashe: The Musical set to debut
Sometime in early summer 2012, the Old Gringo Productions release of Victor Ashe: The Musical is set to debut at the Tennessee Theater. In development for nearly 5 years, the production tells the tale of Victor Ashe’s rise to fame and fortune as the Ambassador to Poland, set to the music of Queen. It chronicles…
Romney has surprise up sleeve
Anonymous sources have confirmed that, if chosen as the Republican nominee for President, Mitt Romney will name Hillary Clinton as his VP running mate. “The implications of this move are astounding,” explained Republican strategist Burt Elefante. In order to secure Ms. Clinton on the ticket, Romney had to promise there was at least an 80%…
Stacey Campfield still welcome in some Knoxville restaurants
Based on the news yesterday that Stacey Campfield was denied service at a restaurant most Knoxvillians thought closed for good in 1986, astute Knoxpatch.com staff began calling other local eateries to check their policies on refusing service to customers of various levels of notoriety. Bill Lockmith, manager of Ruth’s Chris Steak House, told us they…
Burger Giant Burger King tests new home delivery in Tennessee
Burger King is rolling out a new program for home delivery. “We have new technology that will keep your burger and fries warm while being delivered,” states the King. Folks are asking why Tennessee? “Tennessee has our largest target demographic, closest to our locations,” says the King, “With only a 10 mile delivery area, we…
Oak Ridge Mall set to become world’s largest climate controlled storage facility
Oak Ridge officials claim the closure of Sears in the Oak Ridge Mall is just the silver lining in a cloud they’ve been looking for. “Our long-term plan for the space has been to create the world’s largest climate controlled storage facility,” explains Mark Watson, Oak Ridge City Manager. “We have an aging population, and…
Some want to change the starting age and requirements to enter kindergarten
In our ongoing effort to dumb down our children, state lawmakers have introduced legislation to change the cut-off date to enter kindergarten. Under current state law, the child has to turn five by September 30 in order to enter kindergarten. If passed, the new bill will introduce the following changes: The child must turn eight…
Former Judge, Richard Baumgartner, reinvests pension into Knox County
Former Judge, Richard Baumgartner, is planning to make the most of the pension he’s receiving from his time and good deeds on the bench. “I’m not ready to retire, I want to continue to be an active part of this community,” stated Baumgartner. “Therefore, I’m reinvesting my pension funds to open a new pain clinic…
The Duggar family makes new announcement about baby #20
On the heels of The Duggar’s latest announcement, that Michelle is pregnant with baby #20, they have announced that it’s really babies number 20 – 27. She’s pregnant with octuplets. Plans to adopt triplets from China are in the works. The show is to be renamed ’19 kids and I quit counting’ will air this…
In another worthless survey, Knoxville named cleanest city in the US
Knoxvillians are proud to be named the cleanest city in the US based on an Alice.com tally on how much the average american spent per year on cleaning products. Too bad that many of the cleaning supplies that were purchased were used in the production of crystal meth. Does it still count if it’s cleaning…