Oak Ridge officials claim the closure of Sears in the Oak Ridge Mall is just the silver lining in a cloud they’ve been looking for. “Our long-term plan for the space has been to create the world’s largest climate controlled storage facility,” explains Mark Watson, Oak Ridge City Manager. “We have an aging population, and…
Some want to change the starting age and requirements to enter kindergarten
In our ongoing effort to dumb down our children, state lawmakers have introduced legislation to change the cut-off date to enter kindergarten. Under current state law, the child has to turn five by September 30 in order to enter kindergarten. If passed, the new bill will introduce the following changes: The child must turn eight…
Former Judge, Richard Baumgartner, reinvests pension into Knox County
Former Judge, Richard Baumgartner, is planning to make the most of the pension he’s receiving from his time and good deeds on the bench. “I’m not ready to retire, I want to continue to be an active part of this community,” stated Baumgartner. “Therefore, I’m reinvesting my pension funds to open a new pain clinic…
The Duggar family makes new announcement about baby #20
On the heels of The Duggar’s latest announcement, that Michelle is pregnant with baby #20, they have announced that it’s really babies number 20 – 27. She’s pregnant with octuplets. Plans to adopt triplets from China are in the works. The show is to be renamed ’19 kids and I quit counting’ will air this…
In another worthless survey, Knoxville named cleanest city in the US
Knoxvillians are proud to be named the cleanest city in the US based on an Alice.com tally on how much the average american spent per year on cleaning products. Too bad that many of the cleaning supplies that were purchased were used in the production of crystal meth. Does it still count if it’s cleaning…
Knoxville woman turns herself in to the KPD after watching new show ‘Person of Interest’
The 39 year old Knoxville woman turned herself in to the Knoxville Police Department after watching new show ‘Person of Interest’. The unnamed woman was quoted as saying, “I watched the show and new that I was in trouble. They were going to catch me anyway. I thought that they would go easier on me…
Stephen A. Burroughs to defend himself in court against Fate
In a unique court case, Fate has filed suit against Stephen A. Burroughs. Claiming that Mr. Burroughs has utilized more than his allotted 15 minutes of fame, Fate demands that he spend the remainder of his life in obscurity. Mr. Burroughs would not comment on the case, but did offer to pose for pictures.
Herman Cain excited to learn Lee Greenwood is still alive
Lee Greenwood has joined the list of celebrities jumping into politics by announcing his endorsement of Herman Cain. A spokesperson for the Cain campaign stated that, “Like other Americans, we’re excited to find out that Lee Greenwood is still alive.”
Anti-Mensa meeting tonight at Krutch Park
Knowing that idiots need a chance to mingle, an anti-Mensa meeting has been scheduled tonight at 6pm in Krutch Park. So that fellow idiots can find one-another, they are encouraged to identify themselves with Occupy Knoxville or Occupy Together signs.
Intercontinental Railroad construction starts in Halls, TN
A new shovel-ready project, Halls Astronomical Intercontinental Railroad, kicks off today in Tennessee. The project will bring the world’s largest railway system into place, offering one-way service from Halls, TN to Tanzania. A timeframe for project completion has not been announced, but at least four “good-sized” men with shovels are working as fast as they…
World Beard & Mustache Championship tainted by Latisse doping
The 2011 World Beard & Mustache Championships were brought to a hair raising halt. There was alleged Latisse doping from the United States Team, based in Knoxville. Officials noticed the telltale signs of Latisse doping in the Tennessee based team, such as discolored lips, thicker than normal beards and mustaches, and rotting teeth. “The use…
Tim Burchett bans those with past DUI’s from visiting AutoZone or NAPA
After receiving media attention and successfully having one sex offender arrested for attempting to read, Tim Burchett has now created a new set of rules to bar those with past transgressions from public places. According to the Mayor’s office, “Those with DUI’s are not to visit AutoZone or NAPA. Both of these locations stock cup-holders…
Professional shuffleboard comes to Knoxville, with the Knoxville Drift
Joining the recently announced Knoxville Nighthawks indoor football team is the Knoxville Drift. The Drift is part of the International Shuffleboard Association (ISA). The Drift will share the Knoxville Convention Center as their home arena with the Nighthawks, alternating nights. Shuffleboard has been growing in popularity with the increasing number of baby boomers. The low…
Mix-up leads Sarah Palin to Tennessee Valley Farms
After weeks of hoopla surrounding Sarah Palin’s planned visit to Tennessee, a simple mix-up led her in the wrong direction. Expected at the Tennessee Valley Fair, she showed up today at Tennessee Valley Farms. Although she was unable to meet with supporters, she still had the opportunity to have animals lick her hands, so she…
Witnesses spot Sarah Palin blowing smoke on Market Square
This is a special news alert!  Several witnesses contacted our tip hotline today to report seeing Sarah Palin on Market Square earlier this morning. She wandered through Krutch Park and admired the other sculptures. She was overheard blowing smoke about this evening’s scheduled stop at the Tennessee Valley Fair.