Category: News

In light of recent criticism; Wal-Mart has decided to adopt a policy of “Tough-Love”. In addition to making employees pay for their own insurance, and firing anyone who even mentions the word “union”, Knoxville area Wal-Mart stores will be moving all handicap parking places to the far end of the parking lot. A Wal-Mart representative…

There is a new organization in Knoxville that is dedicated to shining light on stupidity in the Knoxville area. The organization was started by M.R. Ducks, a retired Marine Corps Colonel. After retiring from the Marine Corps in June of 2001 Mr. Ducks retuned to his home town of Knoxville Tennessee. ?I was just amazed…

Bubba Quixote in rarearchival photo. Bubba Quixote, believed to be a direct descendent of the famed Don Quixote, has attacked the TVA Green Power windmills. The status of the windmills, located on Buffalo Mountain near Oak Ridge, Tennessee is not currently known. The Green Power program is designed to produce electricity from cleaner, greener sources….

Eddie Johnston’s wedding photo. Last weekend, Eddie Johnston was set to wed his fiancée of 14 years, Mary-Lee Rollins. An hour after the wedding was to commence, Eddie turned on his cell phone to check for messages. Mary-Lee had called and left a message that she changed her mind, and that she had left Knoxville…

KPD’s Blue Cat(artist’s rendition) A new program designed to cut costs and save lives, both human and feline, the Knoxville Police Department (KPD) has pioneered a pilot program in conjunction with the Knoxville Animal Rescue League called Blue Cat. The idea was conceived by Police Officer Sgt. Buddy Smith, a 13 year veteran to KPD…

With cleaner streets and fewer crimes being reported by the local media, Knoxville is ready to launch a new nation-wide marketing campaign aimed at luring residents and businesses alike to the area. A local marketing firm, Shaggy-Peterson, has been contracted to develop the plan. Wayne Shaggy, CEO of Shaggy-Peterson, is heading up the campaign. “What…

Jo-Jo bites her neighbors. A north-Knoxville poodle, known simply as “Jo-Jo,” went on a biting rampage last week. Details are sketchy, but witnesses say at least five people had minor toothmark imprints on fingers, ankles, and elbows after the incident at a neighborhood birthday party. “It was scary,” explained one eyewitness at the scene. “People…

The Haarket twins, joined by a pipe. Hans and Slami Haarket, born in Knoxville of Norwegian parents one sweltering August day in 1973, have been joined since birth by a metal tube connecting their hands. Doctors were mystified by the phenomenon and do not know how it happens. “Metal tubes do not usually occur naturally…

Construction is under way on Market Square, transforming the space from a 70’s-era eyesore to a modern, hip urban town center. As part of this process, the sidewalks are being torn up to be replaced with what turns out to be airport-style moving sidewalks. The sidewalks will be designed to get the large number of…

Five more volunteers who went to Iraq to serve as “human shields,” including two Americans, left the country when the government told where their assigned locations would be. The five had hoped for locations that were unlikely to be attacked such as food warehouses and water treatment plants. Although they feared death, their convictions were…

Vern Taylor has lived on his East Knoxville farm for 60 years, raising cattle and growing Silver Queen corn. He is a great friend and good neighbor, according to neighbors and friends, but he just has bad luck. Taylor has been struck 112 times by meteors while working his fields. “It ain’t never the cattle…

An episode of the popular Learning Channel show “Trading Spaces” is scheduled to be filmed in Knoxville sometime in February, sources say. The show features two groups of people, usually neighbors, who swap keys to transform a room in each other’s home. They have two days, a set budget of $1000, and they are not…

A focus group, comprised mostly of activists from Nine Counties One Vision, met last week to discuss issues related to Knoxville, the surrounding area, and what could be done to make it better. The leading theory coming from the group is that Knoxville simply needs more restaurants. Holly Heathrow, the group’s spokeswoman, said that they…

Claiming partial ownership of ‘orange’, the University of Tennessee has began lobbying for an adjustment to the color-coded terror-alert system. The current system is outlined as follows: Green — Normal. This is the lowest level of threat. Blue — Guarded. This signifies a continuing general threat of terrorist activity. Yellow — Serious. Yellow indicates an…

Comet Man breaks away from the circus to join Knoxville. Better known as Comet Man by his friends, Human Cannonballer Matthew Johnson recently ran away from Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus as it passed through Knoxville. Mr. Johnson said that he has dreamed of running away from the circus and opening a tattoo…