On June 5th, by a slim margin, Oak Ridge voters have selected to move forward with the construction of two black holes within the city. The first is to be located atop Pine Ridge, and the second will be hidden near the bottom-line of the city’s budget. Had the selection not been made to proceed…

An anonymous member of the Tennessee legislature has leaked a memo that circulated after the budget surplus was discovered. The memo described in detail how the public relations firm, hired to cover the news, planned on helping the legislature come up with ways to make the public think they were getting money back but not…

Last month, Jack Eckelston brought a new franchise to Knoxville called “Carb Neutral.” The concept is loosely based on the “carbon neutral” fad and offers fat people the option to offset their carbohydrate intake by purchasing bran muffins for skinny people. “It is common knowledge that many overweight people do not like health food, and…

In an attempt to seem more human, Hillary Tracker has noticed that the junior senator from Arkansas New York is making an effort to bond with audiences around the country by trying to sound like them. Lately, the press has been reporting that Hillary has adopted a Southern accent in various public speaking engagements. In…

Knox County Schools is considering a drastic measure in response to all the “whining West Knoxville parents who would rather send their kids to an old, run-down school instead of a nice new shiny school that doesn’t have the word ‘Farragut’ written on it.” Since nobody seems to be happy sending their children to a…

In a desperate attempt to become relevant for the 2008 presidential elections, some Republican strategists are scrambling to resurrect important dead historical Republican figures. Among the soon-to-be-living are Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan. “We just can’t get a break,” explained one strategist on condition of anonymity, “the Democrat candidates are hogging all the news stories,…

Governor Bredesen gave in to pressure today after mounting criticism of his Christmas card depicting a teenage girl he met while in an Afghanistan chat room. His new Christmas card depicts a teenage girl he met while in a North Korean chat room. “I’m not sure whether she is Buddhist or Confucianist, that wasn’t in…

Knoxpatch (KP) His abilities to use illegal funds to keep failing businesses afloat have caused some to flock to his side (some of these include: Brian Conley, Jack Neely, Bill Snyder, and Allan Miller). His personality made it impossible to dislike him. Now, Scott West has finally been sentenced for his drug and money laundering…

Knoxpatch (KP) In a local news first, WBIR this week will introduce a transgender news programmer. The new staff member, a flamboyant news junkie named Starla, hopes to attract a portion of the growing transgender television market. Initial assignments include sprucing up Schwall’s World and the Heartland Series. Starla’s introduction to the airwaves will take…

The Jones Soda Maternity Flavor Pack includes five new flavors: Pickles & Ice Cream, Prenatal Vitamin, Morning Sickness, Breast Milk, and Water Broke Mineral Water. Available for a limited time, the new pack is expected to make hundreds of thousands of dollars for Jones Soda, just like the other disgusting flavor packs they put out…

It may be an exercise in futility, but gamers across the country are hoping that being one of the first to get the new Playstation 3 or Nintendo Wii will add a sense of meaning to their lives. One Knoxville shopper that wasn’t afraid to speak with reporters stood in line nearly 48 hours at…

At a press conference this week, Christopher Kringle announced that the North Pole Business Development Group has selected Knoxville-based McCarty Holsaple McCarty to build a new toy factory. McCarty Holsaple McCarty has recently designed several high profile buildings; including the Rainbow Vault in Ireleand and the controversial 12-acre chicken coop commissioned by the Easter Bunny….

A study published last week analyzed 6 months of letters to the editor of local newspapers, including the News Sentinel and the Metro Pulse. The researchers found that 7 out of 10 readers were more depressed after reading the letters than before. The other three readers never made it past the second letter. Three of…

Knoxpatch.com can confirm that late last night, a Farragut man who swerved to avoid a speedbump hit a pothole instead. Witnesses say the man, driving a 1997 Nissan Altima, had been swerving all over the road trying to avoid various obstacles, such as speed bumps, potholes, possums, and autumn leaves. The AAA tow truck driver…

Already bruised by her own party, Democrat House Speaker Pelosi returned home yesterday to further problems. 911 tapes reveal that Pelosi walked in on three kids stealing her MAD Magazine collection. Pelosi caught the suspects on her property red handed. In the 911 call, she tells the operator, “I can’t talk right now. There’s somebody…